A blonde, brunette, and red head are waiting in front of the pearly gates when God comes out to greet them "Usually I wouldn't let any of you girls in, but I'm having a good day. I'll make you all a deal. If you can climb my 1000 stair staircase and listen to a joke at each step without laughing I'll let you in." They all agree.
The brunette loses at the 100th step.
The red head loses at the 500th step.
The blonde makes it to the 999th step and begins to laugh historically.
God asks her "You were so close, why did you laugh?"
She replies "I just got the first one."
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It’s the kids today I’m worried about, their lives are going to be so soft. I don’t recall any overt safety features on anything when I was a kid. Electrical outlets didn’t have covers. That was pretty much trial by error. “ Hey, don’t stick your finger in that . . . oh, look at your steaming, curly little head.”
-Elvira Kurt
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The National Highway Safety Administration has developed a whole family of crash test dummies, which seems kind of irresponsible. What kind of family life are those child-sized dummies gonna have? Every day your parents are involved in two or three major car wrecks. Every time the phone rings, “Pop? You hit the wall again? You didn’t have a seat belt on? How’s Mom?”
-Jay Leno
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Safety was not a big thing when I was growing up. A seat belt was something that got in the way: “Ma, the seat belt is digging into my back.” “Stuff it down into the seat. And roll those windows up, you’re letting the smoke out.”
-Margaret Smith
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My kindergarten teacher hated me. She used to find any excuse to pick on me, especially during nap time. Like I’m the only guy who sleeps naked.
-Brian Kiley
My first-grade teacher said, “Okay, Mark, tell us everything you know about the letter H.” I said, “That’s Jesus’ middle name.”
-Mark Lundholm
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In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single-file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?
-Warren Hutcherson
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In elementary school during Student Government Week, I was Coroner for the Day.
-Richard Lewis
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I liked school. The best part was to get those new school supplies. The challenge was to convince the smaller kids that I was going to give them back.
-Jim Rez
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It’s a myth that you will be able to help your children with their homework. I’m taking remedial math so I can help my son make it to the third grade.
-Sinbad
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My wife won’t send my youngest girl to Catholic school, because the teachers hit the kids. So we sent her to public school, where the kids hit the teachers.
-Colin Quinn
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My school colors were clear. We used to say, “I’m not naked, I’m in the band.”
-Steven Wright
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I had a typical high school romance. I was a cheerleader, and he was on the faculty.
-Wendy Liebman
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Back in high school, my buddies tried to put the make on anything that moved. I told them, “Why limit yourselves?”
-Emo Philips
