Two brothers, Timmy and Tommy, are very mischievous so they are sent to a religious reform school.
Almost immediately Timmy gets in trouble and is sent to the principle's office.
The large principle looks at Timmy and asks "Do you know where God is?”
Timmy's eyes get large but he doesn't say a word.
The principle asks again louder "Do you know where God is?!”
Timmy suddenly runs out of the room screaming.
Tommy discovers his brother crying in the corner of their room and asks him "What's wrong?"
Timmy responds "They don't know where God is and they think I took him!"
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Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don’t eat pork. I’m sorry, what was the last one? Don’t eat pork? Is that the word of God, or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?
-Jon Stewart
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Most unselfish religion: the Jehovah’s Witnesses. They think only 144,000 people are going to heaven. If you believed that, would you go door to door trying to get new converts? I’d be keeping that a big secret. “I hear there are only eight seats left, shut up!”
-Kathleen Madigan
Do you know what you get when you cross a Jehovah’s Witness with an atheist? Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.
-Guy Owen
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The reason I like the Jehovah’s Witnesses is that they pay their dues. They stand out in the wind and the rain, and they hand the first passerby the Watchtower and they watch as he drops it in the nearest wastepaper basket. Then they go to the wastebasket, shake the pamphlet out, and wait for the next passerby. They’ve been in existence since 1812, and they’ve only had to use six pamphlets.
-David Steinberg
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Jesus had twelve disciples who followed him wherever he went. How annoying is that? Do you think he ever turned to them and said, “What?”
-Jon Stewart
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A Mississippi school board is being sued by a fifteen-year-old student. They said he couldn’t wear the Star of David to school, because it’s a gang symbol. They don’t know a lot about Jews in Mississippi. Except they think they’re one of the toughest gangs, because to get initiated you have to cut your penis. `
-Bill Maher
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Oral Roberts. I have respect for any religious leader who can make it to the top with so obscene a first name. I’d always thought Oral was a nickname you might get for being really good at something.
-David Steinberg
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If you flip the pages of the Old Testament in one direction you get Jesus riding a horse, and in the other direction, a fat lady with a Hula Hoop. Back then everyone thought she would be the famous one.
-Gilbert Gottfried
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I do not believe in an afterlife. Although I am bringing a change of underwear.
-Woody Allen
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Some people believe in reincarnation. If I come back, I want to be a famous racehorse, they have it made. Free room and board, plenty of exercise. The best part is the retirement plan. “Looks like it’s time to put him out to stud.” I have a similar retirement plan at my job, except here they screw me.
-Joel Warshaw
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Organized religion has taken a turn for the worst. just the other day I drove by “The Church of the Seven or So Commandments: Pastor Bill Clinton and the Reverend 0. J. Simpson.”
-Sue Bova
