A blonde, brunette, and red head are all spies and are caught behind enemy lines.
They are all tied up in front of a firing squad.
As they are about to shoot the brunette yells "Tornado! Tornado!”
All of the men run off to wait the tornado out and the brunette manages to escape.
Seeing what she had done the red head devises her own plan and when they return she yells "Earthquake! Earthquake!”
Again all of the men scatter to wait it out and the red head escapes.
The blonde, being the genius she is, devises her own plan.
As soon as the men return she yells "Fire! Fire!"
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The Amish are now having the same kind of problems everywhere else does. Four teenagers were arrested for violence. They broke windows, they overturned buggies. They could tell it was these boys because the graffiti on the silo said, “Ye suck.”
-Bill Maher
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I spent a week at a Buddhist monastic retreat, where I sat silently for hours at a time in an uncomfortable position trying to shatter my ego. Why bother? Two minutes with my wife and kids does the same thing.
-Brian Koffman
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Catholicism. What can you say about a religion that makes a sin out of sex, and a sacred act out of drinking alcohol?
-Atom
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I was raised Roman Catholic, and according to the Catholic Church it’s okay to be homosexual, as long as you don’t practice homosexuality. Which is interesting, because I think it’s okay to be Catholic as long as you don’t practice Catholicism.
-Bob Smith
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I grew up a Catholic, which is good. It gives you something to work out the rest of your life.
-Steven Sweeney
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They’re modernizing some things in the Church. When they serve the wafer in communion, they also have a salad bar.
-Bill Maher
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I’ve always wondered why they don’t put a dab of frosting on communion wafers. Some powdered sugar? I mean, could anyone think God would be opposed to some flavoring? Does anyone think he’s up there eating those wafers?
-Louie Anderson
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In Catholic grade school in religion class, I was told to scoot over in my desk and make room for my guardian angel to sit down. Because, apparently, my guardian angel was a lazy fat ass with the inability to hover.
-Kathleen Madigan
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I got suspended from Catholic school. At an eighth-grade dance I was told I was dancing too close to a girl. Father said, “Leave a little room for the Holy Ghost!” And I said, “Are you kidding? After what he did to Mary?”
-Atom
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I’d rather meet an ax murderer than a born-again Christian. At least an ax murderer will eventually leave you alone.
-Barry Steiger
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An interesting item in the paper. It said, people who go to church live longer than those who don’t go to church regularly. Pat Robertson jumped on this. He’s putting out a bumper sticker that says, “Jesus saves, and reduces cholesterol.”
-Bill Maher
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Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.
-H. L. Mencken
