A girl brings her boyfriend to her house to meet her parents. While eating dinner, the father asks her boyfriend, "So what are you studying?"
He replies, "Philosophy."
The father asks, "What are you going to do with that?"
The boy replies, "I'm not sure, but God will provide."
The father, stunned, then asks, "Do you have any aspirations at all?"
The boy again replies, "No, but I have faith that God will provide."
Later the girl asks her father what he thought. He tells her, "I like him. He's stupid and has no life plans. But he thinks I'm God!"
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Congress has initiated legislation for a salary increase. The vote is expected to be split along party lines, with Republican members of Congress in favor of the measure, and Democratic members of Congress in favor of the measure.
-Craig Kilborn
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Prisons are big business. We put more people in jail than Iran or Iraq. Twenty years ago, we spent twice as much on colleges as prisons. Now we spend more on prisons. We now consider jail our low-income housing program.
-Norman K.
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People always want to judge you based on your ethnic background. It’s stupid. For instance, if a white guy likes rap, he’s trying to be black. If a black guy gets a job, he’s trying to be white.
-Aisha Tyler
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Why is it always the ugliest white people with this message: “The white race is superior”? Jesus, holy cow, you’ve got gills and a pointed head! You should date around. Date outside your immediate family, is my advice to you. Seek out the swarthy-skinned, almond-eyed people, I think you’ll find them a refreshing dip in the gene pool.
-Greg Proops
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Just what is reverse racism? Is there something white people are not getting? Reverse racism is like Mike Tyson saying, “It’s not fair; me always having to fight the heavy guys. From now on, I only want to fight lightweights.”
-Chris Rock
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I cleaned my refrigerator out the other day, hadn’t done that for a while. Found a milk carton with the Lindbergh baby on it.
-John Mendoza
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Irrational crushes, infatuations, or obsessions. Whatever you want to label it, it’s important to reach out to others.
-Janeane Garofalo
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My boyfriend had no trouble committing . . . adultery.
-Wendy Liebman
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I wish our lovers treated us like apartments. They’d have to give us thirty days’ notice before they left us, and they’d have to leave us in the same condition they found us in.
-Denise Munro Robb
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You always know when the relationship is over. Little things start grating on your nerves, “Would you please stop that! That breathing in and out, it’s so repetitious!”
-Ellen DeGeneres
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Relationships are hard. It’s like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they have to find you a temp.
-Bob Ettinger
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I go to an atheist church. They have crippled guys who stand up and say they were once crippled-and they still are.
-Paula Poundstone
