The captain of a cruise ship has a parrot.
Him and his parrot go to the magic show on board every night, and every night the parrot calls the magician out on his trickery , "It's up his sleeve!", "There is a hole in his hat!", "There's a fake bottom!"
So finely one day the magician gets so fed up with the parrot he pulls out a gun, shoots at the bird, misses the bird and hits the boiler.
This causes the ship to blow up into bits.
The magician grabs onto a piece of floating wood and the parrot lands on his shoulder.
The parrot looks at him and says, "I give up, where's the boat?"
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Alabama has become the first state to revive chain gangs. And they vow not to stop there. They intend to review the lyrics of every single Sam Cooke song, for additional improvements to the criminal justice system.
-Johnny Robish
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Politicians are interested in people. Not that this is always a virtue. Fleas are interested in dogs.
-P.J.O’Rourke
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Politics is so corrupt, even the dishonest people get screwed.
-George Carlin
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George W Bush claims to be a compassionate conservative. That’s somebody who wants to feed the homeless by leaving the lid of the Dumpster open.
-Jay Leno
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There’s actually a Nixon Center for Peace and Freedom in Washington. What’s next? The Mike Tyson Center for Feminist Studies?
-Norman K.
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I’m forty-nine and I don’t have any political affiliation, but I’m thinking of becoming a Republican. If you’re a Democrat and forty-nine, you’re over the hill. But if you’re a Republican, you’re the youngest guy out there.
-Jay Leno
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The Republicans keep talking about returning power to the states. Oh great, let’s have more things run by the people who brought you the Department of Motor Vehicles.
-Andy Kindler
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The Senate was holding hearings on deceptive sweepstakes practices. These companies target the elderly, making them think they’re going to get a bunch of money, when in reality they never see any of it. The most popular of these scams is called Social Security.
-Colin Quinn
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I must have been asleep when they elected Al Sharpton as the black representative. He must be the only leader in history to show up to a rally wearing a tight red velour sweat suit with a roller in the front of his hair. And what’s up with the brother’s hair? It looks like he swallowed James Brown.
-Damon Wayans
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I’m always putting my foot in my mouth. I met this woman recently, and I could have sworn she was pregnant. I think the rule is, don’t guess at that ever, ever, ever.
-Brian Regan
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I hate being polite to boring people. I’d much rather tell them, “Shut up! I have a great story I’m listening to in my own head, thank you very much. And please stop using up all the fresh air.”
-Gloria Brinkworth
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Move election day to April 15. Pay your taxes and hold elections on the same day. See if any of these duplicitous sons of bitches would try to get away with their crap, if we paid their salaries on the same day we voted for them.
-Dennis Miller
