A man walks into a bar with his dog but the bartender says "You can't bring your dog in here!"
The man replies "but this is no ordinary dog. You see, this dog can talk. I'll prove it to you. What covers trees?"
The dog replies "Bark!"
He asks "What's on top of a house?"
The dog answers "Roof!"
Finally the man asks "Who's your favorite baseball player?"
The dog says "Ruth!" The bartender immediately throws them both out.
The man says "What was that guy's problem?"
The dog answers "Maybe he's not a fan of the Yankees."
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A new psychological disorder has been identified, called muscle dysmorphia. This is when bodybuilders think of themselves as scrawny and undeveloped. You can always tell who these guys are. They’re the ones at the beach kicking sand in their own face.
-Bill Maher
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Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago it took two people to carry ten dollars’ worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
-Henny Youngman
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You’re never too fat or too thin; it’s all in the people you’re hanging with. If you’re big, stick with people bigger than you, and they’ll call you Slim. If you’re skinny, go with people who are scrawny, and feel bulked up. See, I’ve just saved you from wasting thousands of hours and dollars on the gym.
-Sinbad
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When considering whether or not to have a metal stud put through your tongue, or your belly button, or your genitalia, take lightning into account.
-Dennis Miller
I met this Vietnamese kid who had his nose, tongue, and lip pierced, which he called body art. So I told him, “Hey, when your ancestors had metal all over their face, they called it shrapnel.”
-Wally Wang
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I’m in favor of self-mutilation and personal disfigurement. I’ve always said there’s nothing like puncturing and perforating your skin in a dozen or so places in order to demonstrate your high self-esteem. When I see a young man decorating his scalp with a soldering iron, I think, “Now, there’s a happy guy.”
-George Carlin
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Everyone’s getting pierced these days. Maybe they’ll get their parents pierced, too. I guess the winner will be the family who takes the longest to get through the metal detector.
-Norman K.
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I dated a pilot, he was a kamikaze. He was really bad at it, though. He kept landing.
-Wendy Liebman
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I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an eighty-foot stepladder with a coat hanger.
-Steven Wright
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I have no plants in my house. They won’t live for me. Some of them don’t even wait to die, they commit suicide. I once came home and found one hanging from a macramé noose, the pot kicked out from underneath. The note said, “I hate you, and your albums.”
-Jerry Seinfeld
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All the plants in my house are dead; I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
-Steven Wright
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I have a friend who got those new saline implants. She laid in the sun so long they evaporated. All she’s got now is two double-D salt shakers. We make margaritas, people rub their glasses on her breasts.
-Aisha Tyler
