Two boys, John and Tommy, walk into a candy story.
While in the store John steals 4 candy bars and puts them in his pocket.
When the boys leave John brags, "I stole 3 candy bars, beat that!"
Tommy says "No problem, just follow me.”
They go back into the store and Tommy approaches one of the shopkeepers.
He asks the shopkeeper, "Would you like to see some magic sir?”
The man says yes and Tommy immediately opens 4 candy bars and eats them as fast as he can.
The shopkeeper, who is now angry, asks "Where is the magic?"
Tommy replies "The candy bars are now in my friend's pockets."
--------------------
I’ve never had plastic surgery. I still have my own real breasts. I know, because when I lay on my back they roll underneath my arms, and I look like a hammerhead shark.
-Le Maire
--------------------
When it rains really hard, I like to run stop signs, just to make cops get out of their cars. Why make the money if you can’t enjoy spending it? Make him stand there in a big puddle. “You know why I stopped you?” “You know why I ran the sign?”
-Drew Carey
--------------------
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read.”
-Steven Wright
--------------------
Up in Oregon a female police officer was fired because they found out she was selling Mary Kay cosmetics out of her squad car. They got suspicious when she described a suspect as tall, Caucasian, and an Autumn.
-Bill Maher
--------------------
West Coast cops are obsessed with traffic. New York cops don’t give a shit. You can be driving along the streets of Manhattan sixty miles an hour with a beer between your legs, seat belt flapping out the door, a big joint in your mouth, go through five red lights, pass a New York cop, and he’ll yell, “Yo! Bring me a cup of coffee on your way back, okay?”
-Richard Belzer
--------------------
In New York City, there was a big controversy because the police shot an unarmed black man. And now, they’ve announced a drive to attract more minorities to the police force. Good advertisement, huh? And I don’t think the slogan is gonna help either, “If we can’t beat you, join us.”
-Bill Maher
--------------------
You can say, “Can I use your bathroom?” and nobody really cares. But if you say, “I have to use the plop-plop machine,” it always breaks the conversation.
-Dave Attell
--------------------
I squirm when I see athletes praying before a game. Don’t they realize that if God took sports seriously he never would have created George Steinbrenner?
-Mark Russell
--------------------
The sonogram. We had fun looking for early traces of family resemblance. “ Gee, honey, it looks just like your mother, if she were bald, had no eyelids, and was floating in amniotic fluid.” “Yeah, but from this side, it looks like your father. Presuming, of course, he was a Hawaiian prawn.”
-Paul Riser
--------------------
Natural childbirth class. A great place to find chicks, if you’re into the full-figured gals. And you can be reasonably sure these girls put out.
-Jonathan Katz
--------------------
My mother said, “You won’t amount to anything because you procrastinate.” I said, “Just wait.
-Judy Tenuta
--------------------
Bill Clinton treated the truth like your mom treats the good china. There’s never an occasion special enough to actually use it, although you take it out and look at it once in a while.
-Dennis Miller
