A man walks into a bar and orders three mugs of beer.
The bartender tells him they will go flat while he drinks but the man explains to him, "I have two brothers. When we all left home we decided every night we will all go to the bar and have a drink for each of us."
This man becomes a regular and orders three beers every night.
But a few months later he comes in silently and orders only two.
The bar falls silent. The bartender approaches him and says, "I don't mean to intrude, but I'm sorry for your loss."
The man looks puzzled at first then laughs, "Oh no! My doctor said I had to quit drinking."
--------------------
I have some very rare photographs. One is of Houdini locking his keys in his car.
-Steven Wright
--------------------
You women ever talk about men’s bodies like they’re meat? I know you do, every time you’re with your girlfriends, “Look at that baby. That’s USDA Choice Prime Cut.” My body is the part they make hot dogs out of. I have a lips and a hooves kind of body.
-Drew Carey
--------------------
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
-Joan Rivers
--------------------
I don’t have an hourglass figure. I have an hour and half. I have a little too much time on my ass.
-Wendy Liebman
--------------------
I took a physical for some life insurance. All they would give me was fire and theft.
-Henny Youngman
--------------------
It sucks being a small guy, because I can’t fight anyone. My neighbor keeps his music really loud, so I had to go upstairs, be like, “Excuse me, could you please turn your music down?” “Are you a moron?” “ . . . Yeah.” I’ve often thought about just jumping on him when he turns around, but then he’d be like, “Do you want a piggyback ride?”
-Mitch Fatel
--------------------
Martin Luther King was a little guy. Malcolm X was a big guy. The little guy talked about us all getting along. The big guy talked about whupping ass. Little guys only fight when there’s no other choice. I know MLK was a devout Christian and humanitarian, but if he was four or five inches taller, his message might have been totally different. And we might be dead right now.
-Chris Rock
--------------------
Bad body image for women is out of control. My sister-in-law tried to get her six-month-old baby a job as a photo model, because she wanted nice pictures of the baby for free. But they said my niece was too old and fat. That’s so wrong! They said they’d be willing to consider the baby if she would “drop two.”
-Cathryn Michon
--------------------
My parents are always calling me out in California. To find out what time it is. “What time is it out there?” “It’s three hours’ difference, Mom. Work it out on paper.”
-Kevin Meaney
--------------------
Every Sunday I talk to my parents in Arizona. They live in a retirement community, which is basically a minimum-security prison with a golf course.
-Joel Warshaw
--------------------
My parents’ dream was for me to have everything they didn’t. And thanks to ozone holes, fear of AIDS, and no health insurance, their dream has come true.
-Brad Slaight
--------------------
There’s a new book, Parents Don’t Matter which says that growing up, your peer group affects you more than your parents. I’m not sure I believe that. It’s much easier to blame your parents. I still have their phone number.
-Norman K.
--------------------
If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.
-Dick Cavett
