A man in a bar sees a friend at a table drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments "You look terrible. What's the problem?"
"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"And this month," continued, the friend sadly, "Nothing."
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I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.
-Dave Barry
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I think my parents rushed me toward adulthood, they gave me an adult name. My name is Lew and my younger brother’s name is Sam. Those aren’t kids, that’s a retail outlet. Lew and Sam, Discount Carpeting, Come On In.
-Lew Schneider
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My parents actually met in junior high school. I guess they figured: What the heck, once you’ve seen someone in junior high, you’ve pretty much seen them at their worst.
-Norman K.
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I’ve been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.
-Steven Wright
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Parents can overestimate their kid’s abilities. At my last parent-teacher conference, a father said, “My son shouldn’t have gotten a fifty. He’s got a photographic memory.” If that kid has a photographic memory, somebody exposed the film. At Kmart, he’d get half his money back.
-Lesley Wake
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You don’t ever really want to visualize your parents having sex. It’s very uncomfortable. Sex is a great thing and all. But you don’t want to think that your whole life began because somebody had a little too much wine with dinner.
-Jerry Seinfeld
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My parents are traveling in the Middle East. Tension broke out in Jerusalem today because Leo wouldn’t ask for directions.
-Cathy Ladman
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I took my parents back to the airport today. They leave tomorrow.
-Margaret Smith
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I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth.
-Janeane Garofalo
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Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
-Emo Philips
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My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It’s in the apartment somewhere.
-Steven Wright
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Why does that pharmacist have to be two and a half feet higher than everybody else? Who the hell is this guy? “I’m working with pills up here. I’m taking them from this big bottle, and I’m going to put them into a little bottle. I can’t be down on the floor with you people.”
-Jerry Seinfeld
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I’m not a fatalist. But even if I were, what could I do about it?
-Emo Philips
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What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
-Woody Allen
