A man comes to the entrance of Heaven and is told, "You haven't done anything good, but you haven't done anything bad either. If you can tell me of something amazing you have done, I will let you in."
The man replies, "Well, one time I was driving down the road and I saw some gang members threatening a young lady in an alleyway. I stopped and confronted them. I walked up to the biggest looking dude and slapped him and said, 'You need to leave this young lady alone, or I'm going to kick your butt!'"
The man at the entrance to heaven asked him, "When did this happen?"
The guy replies, "About five minutes ago."
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White people do not come up with the good music. White people invented polka, and Gregorian chants, and Country. White people invented Swiss clock dancing. “Whoo, Heidi, little goat girl, you are kickin’ the jam!” Leave white people isolated for a thousand years, and their contribution is Riverdance: “I can’t move my hips, I can’t move my head. But below the ankles, I’m a rockin’ bag of Gaelic sex!”
-Greg Proops
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You can tell it’s a slow news week when you see articles like “Did Comets Kill the Dinosaurs?” Here’s a hot topic. Maybe comets killed the dinosaurs, maybe they tripped and fell.
We’ll never know. We couldn’t solve the Kennedy assassination, We had films of that. Good luck with the stegosaurus.
-Jerry Seinfeld
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Zillionaire Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates announced a plan to give one billion dollars to fund scholarships for minority students. The donation comes with some strings attached. The NAACP must now be renamed MSNAACP.
-Craig Kilborn
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The prosecutor trying to get Dr. Kevorkian said, “You gotta convict this man because his next victim may be an eighteen-year-old girl who wants to die because she has boyfriend
troubles.” But Dr. Kevorkian said he would never do that. First of all, it’s no fun killing anyone whose last words are “Yeah, whatever.”
-Bill Maher
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Dr. Kevorkian was sentenced to ten to twenty-five years in prison for second-degree murder. By the time he gets out, everyone he wanted to kill will already be dead.
-Jay Leno
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Angry New Hampshire taxpayers reenacted the Boston Tea Party by dumping fifty boxes of tax bills into Portsmouth harbor. Hey, knock it off. Thousands of homeless people drink out of that harbor every night.
-Craig Kilborn
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This guy trying to set some kind of stupid record drove his lawn mower fifty-one hundred miles across country. Do you know who I feel sorry for? The guy walking behind him with the edger.
-Jay Leno
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Justice William Rehnquist of the Supreme Court recently led a judicial conference in a rousing rendition of “Dixie.” And people have said this old slavery song is inappropriate for a Chief justice to sing. It especially offended Clarence Thomas, who said, “If he’s going to sing ‘Dixie,’ I’m going to sing my favorites, the theme songs from Hair and Shaft. ”
-Bill Maher
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The emotional, psychological, and mental evaluation test- score results on the Unabomber came back. Monday he starts at the post office.
-David Brenner
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Indonesian officials have accepted the presence of UN peacekeepers to help control rioting that gripped the country. The bloodshed began after East Timor rappers dissed West Timor rappers, setting off a bicoastal rap war.
-Craig Kilborn
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Sunday paper is the worst. You want to relax. “Oh, by the way, here’s a thousand pages of information you had no idea about.” How can they tell you everything they know every single day of the week, and then have this much left over on Sunday, when nothing’s going on?
-Jerry Seinfeld
