A blonde was taking helicopter lessons and she was finally ready to try it on her own. The instructor told her to radio him every 1000 feet to make sure everything was okay.
At 1000 feet she radioed him, "Everything is fine."
At 2000 feet she radioed him, "Everything is fine, just getting a little cold."
But before she reached 3000 feet the helicopter began to slowly come down. It crashed into the ground ruining the helicopter, but the blonde was fine. The instructor ran to her side to comfort her, "What happened?"
She replied, "I told you it was getting cold. So I shut off the giant fan."
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People say, “It’s not like the-good-old-days.” When were these good-old-days? In 1900 your doctor was also your barber. “Uh, take a little off the sides when you take out my spleen.”
-Joe Ditzel
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So many events in the Olympics, I don’t understand their connection to reality. Like in the Winter Olympics, the biathlon that combines cross-country skiing with shooting a gun. How many Alpine snipers are into this? To me it’s like combining swimming with strangling a guy.
-Jerry Seinfeld
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The triathlons, they bike and then they swim. Why? Either these people don’t have jobs, or they have jobs that are incredibly difficult to get to.
-Rita Rudner
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I got to go to the Fat Olympics. I won the Hula Hoop contest. I’m still wearing it. The pole vault? I drove that sucker into the ground. I did a good deed, too. I straightened out the uneven bars. And the broad jump? I killed her.
-Louie Anderson
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Things could be much worse. I could be one of my creditors.
-Henny Youngman
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The pain-relieving ingredient, there’s always got to be a lot of that. Nobody wants anything less than extra strength. “Give me the maximum allowable human dosage. Figure out what will kill me, and then back it off a little bit.”
-Jerry Seinfeld
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Can you imagine what a nightmare it must have been before they invented painkillers? What did they do, have a guy bite a bullet? They could have done better than that. Bring in a big-breasted woman. That would distract any man. Stick a knife through their arm, they see those big breasts, they don’t feel a thing.
-Joy Behar
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I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.
-Steven Wright
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There’s nothing compares to the paperweight as a bad gift. And where are these people working that their papers are just blowing right off their desks? Is their office screwed to the back of a flatbed truck going down the highway? Are they typing up in the crow’s nest of a clipper ship?
-Jerry Seinfeld
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You don’t know what love is until you become a parent. You don’t know what love is until you fish a turd out of the bathtub for someone.
-Margaret Smith
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Raising a child may be a labor of love, but nonetheless, it is a job. Usually a fun job. But sometimes so frustrating, menial, and dull, it makes working the corn dog concession in the Ringworm Brothers Carnival seem like a stint in the double-O sector of Her Majesty’s Secret Service.
-Dennis Miller
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Fortunately, my parents were intelligent, enlightened people. They accepted me for what I was, a punishment from God.
-David Steinberg
