A little elderly lady goes to the doctor because she has been having a problem.
She tells him "Doctor, lately I have been farting almost constantly. They don't bother me much because they don't smell or make noise, but it is still annoying. I've farted a hundred times since I got here, I bet you didn't know."
The doctor sends her home with some pills and she returns a week later. Angrily she tells him "Doctor! These pills you gave me have made my gas smell terrible. I don't want to take them anymore!"
The doctor smiles and replies "Great. Now that we have cleared your sinuses we can take care of that hearing problem."
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In scary movies, people always get bitten in the neck. To me, that means they don’t even try to run. If a vampire gets close to me, I’m off and running away! When they find my body, the police will say, “Call The X-Files. This man has two holes in his butt, and no blood in his body.”
-Sinbad
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Some people you can’t shush in a movie theater. They’re talking and talking, everyone around them is shushing them, and they won’t shush. No one can shush them. They’re the unshushables.
-Jerry Seinfeld
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I hate renting at Blockbuster, because I’m a single guy, and don’t feel comfortable with that five-day commitment. That’s Waaay too long. Renting a video should be like a one-night stand. You pick it up, take it home to a darkened room, and the next morning, you return it to where you found it.
-Joel Warshaw
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When you’re moving your whole world becomes finding boxes. You become obsessed. You could be at a funeral, everyone’s crying, you’re looking at the casket. “That’s a nice box. It even has handles on it.”
-Jerry Seinfeld
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I’m moving to Mars next Week. So, if you have any boxes . . .
-Steven Wright
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I take music pretty seriously. This scar on my wrist, do you know what that’s from? I heard the Bee Gees were getting back together again.
-Denis Leary
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I had a dream I was trapped in an elevator with Michael Bolton, Kenny G, and Yanni. And I had a gun with only one bullet.
-Dave Attell
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I don’t understand the importance of the conductor. What the hell is this guy doing? Do you really need somebody waving a stick in front of your face to play the violin?
-Jerry Seinfeld
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You might be a country music fan… if - you want to write country music, but you can’t think of any clean words that rhyme with truck.
-Brian Koffman
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House music, “You’ve got to work it! You’ve got to push it!” I don’t gotta do anything. I don’t like being ordered around by my music. Take it down a notch.
-Dave Attell
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We don’t have no real deep love songs no more, just songs that mean a lot in the ghetto,“ ’Cause I’m Your Daddy, You Can Page Me Anytime.”
-Cedric the Entertainer
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Marilyn Manson was on tour with Courtney Love and it didn’t work out. Apparently, Courtney was scaring off all the Satan worshipers.
-Bill Maher
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Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there’s no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.
-Jerry Seinfeld
