An elderly man thinks his wife is losing her hearing so he calls their doctor.
The doctor tells him "We need to figure out how bad her hearing is. Using a normal tone, talk to her at various distances until she can hear you."
That night the man decides to try this. He estimates he is sitting about 30 feet from his wife and asks her, "What's for dinner?"
He hears nothing so he moves a little closer; about 20 feet away. He asks her again, "What's for dinner?" Still nothing.
Finally, he gets right next to her and asks, "What's for dinner?"
She finally hears him and responds "For the third time, chicken!"
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I love being a mom. My four-year-old son tells me how pretty I am, that he loves me and wants to marry me. I love him, too, but I don’t think he could support me in the style to which I’m accustomed. Not as a Power Ranger, anyway. ‘
-Liz Sells
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You want to hear the childhood daredevil stories my mother tells company? “Once a glass broke on the kitchen floor, not one week later my daughter was in there without her shoes on.” I broke a glass in 1954, they sold the house in 1985, my mother warned the new owners, “I think I got all the big pieces, but there could be slivers.”
-Elayne Boosler
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There’s an old saying, “Neurotics build castles in the air, and psychotics live in them.” My mother cleans them.
-Rita Rudner
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My mother was eighty-eight years old. She never used glasses. Drank right out of the bottle!
-Henny Youngman
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I was raised in Phoenix by very conservative parents. My mother still calls herself Mrs. Donald Williams. I try to picture her at parties, “Hi, my name is Mrs. Donald Williams. But you can call me Don.”
-Danny Williams
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My mom taught me everything I needed to know. Don’t talk to strangers, don’t pay retail, and the size of your hair should always match the size of your ass.
-Stephanie Schiern
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My mom is very possessive. She calls me up and says, “You weren’t home last night. Is something going on?” I said, “Yeah, Mom. I’m cheating on you with another mother.”
-Heidi Joyce
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God bless my mom, she had reverse Alzheimer’s. Towards the end she remembered everything, and she was pissed.
-S. Rachel Lovey
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Motivational tapes and books. Either you want to do something or you don’t, it’s a fairly simple thing. Besides, if you were motivated enough to go to the store to buy a motivation book, doesn’t that prove you’re motivated? Put it back, tell the clerk, “Screw you, I’m motivated,” and go home.
-George Carlin
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Universal had to push back the date of their Thanksgiving release of the sequel to the pig movie Babe. Production was thrown off schedule when the caterers made a terrible, terrible mistake.
-Colin Quinn
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Why is it that the soda costs more than the tickets? They serve you a cup of Coke so large, Ted Kennedy could drop an Oldsmobile into it. Which means halfway through the movie you’re so bloated you have to step outside for twenty minutes of dialysis.
-Dennis Miller
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I liked Free Willy, but they had Free Willy 2, Free Willy Again. He keeps getting caught, you’d think he’d learn. “I let you go once, I can’t be doing this all the time. You’re hard to sneak.”
-John Pinette
