A man goes swimming in the ocean but gets sucked out to sea.
A boat passes by him and tells him to climb aboard but he says "I have faith, God will save me."
The Coast Guard comes by with a rescue helicopter and tells him to climb the ladder up, but he says "I have faith, God will save me."
The man is now getting tired but thankfully a dolphin swims under him and starts to carry him to shore, but the man pushes the dolphin away saying "I have faith, God will save me.
The man dies and goes to Heaven. He asks God "Why didn't you save me?"
God replies "I tried! I sent a ship, a helicopter and a dolphin!"
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Vietnam vets, I have a lot of empathy for them. They had to go to a horrible place and perform a hideous job for people who didn’t even appreciate it. I know what that’s like, I used to be a waitress at Denny’s.
-Roseanne
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A scientist at a university in England says that within five years robots could fight wars, rather than humans. There are two advantages of an all-robot army. First, it would greatly decrease the incidence of human casualties. Second: way fewer incidents of sexual harassment.
-Craig Kilborn
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Why do models look so mean? I went to a fashion show, the model’s wearing ten thousand dollars’ worth of stuff, fifteen-thousand-dollar shoes, and mad! You know why they’re mad? ’Cause they’re hungry, that’s why.
-Mark Curry
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I hate pennies, I can never seem to spend them. I must have five dollars’ worth at the bottom of my purse. In my case, a penny saved isn’t a penny earned, it’s a two-hundred-dollar trip to the chiropractor.
-Stephanie Schiern
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I used one of those change machines. I put a dollar in, got four quarters back. I was thinking, the owner of this machine at the end of each day must be like, “I broke even, again? I need more machines.”
-Tom Hertz
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I’m not very good at saving money. My parents say, “A penny saved is a penny earned.” But if that’s true, then my vacuum is the World Bank. ~
-Lesley Wake
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I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
-George Carlin
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I don’t own real estate, but I have some really nice sweaters.
-Carrie Snow
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My standard of living keeps going down since divorce, and my ex-husband’s keeps going up. He was offered something called the Titanium card, that’s even better than Platinum. Based on my credit, Citibank offered me the Plywood card.
-Maura Kennedy
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It was tough asking thrifty parents for money. You’ve got to beg fathers: “Dad, can I have a dollar?” “What happened to the dollar I gave you last year?”
-Sinbad
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Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.
-Rita Rudner
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I never had a penny to my name. So I changed my name.
-Henny Youngman
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My mom breast-fed me. It was only 2 percent.
-Wendy Liebman
