Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?”
The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”
The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?”
The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?”
The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."
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Women get their heart broke, they cry. Men don’t do that. Men hold it in like it don’t hurt. They walk around and get hit by trucks. “Didn’t he see that truck?” “Man, he wouldn’t have seen a 747. His heart was broke.”
-Richard Pryor
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Men look at women the way men look at cars. Everyone looks at Ferraris. Now and then we like a pickup truck. And we all end up with a station wagon.
-Tim Allen
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When are women going to realize that men like to look at other women? It doesn’t mean we love them any less. Last Saturday night I took my girlfriend to this place where there were a lot of beautiful women, so naturally I was looking around. But all night she kept nagging me, “Can we please get out of this strip club?”
-Joel Warshaw
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A medical study reports that men who wear gold wedding bands suffer less pain from arthritis in their hands. It’s not from the gold, it’s from constantly working their fingers taking the ring off when a girl walks by.
-Jay Leno
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They say you can compare a man’s shoe size to his manhood. So that’s why I keep my skis on everywhere I go.
-Garry Shandling
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The whole idea of the military strikes me as completely absurd. What sense does it make to go off somewhere thousands of miles away to a scorching desert, to kill a lot of people who have never done anything to me, when I can sit in the air-conditioned comfort of my own home and take out a few people who really matter?
-E.L.Greggory
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Ban gays and lesbians in the military? Are you kidding? If you took all the lesbians out of the WACS, you’d be left with four typists.
-Robin Tyler
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If they don’t want lesbians in the military, we should get out. Because someday the USA will go to war again, and all the straight people will go die for our rights, and we’ll get to hang out here. “Bye. You be careful. Don’t worry, we’ll take care of your wives.”
-Suzanne Westenhoefer
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The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. “Back off, I’ve got toe clippers.”
-Jerry Seinfeld
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We have women in the military, but they don’t put us in the front lines. They don’t know if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, “You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.”
-Elayne Boosler
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The Pentagon wants the Navy to start putting women on their submarines. The Navy is trying to resist. But the Pentagon wants to promote diversity, and also give the gay guys someone to dish with.
-Bill Maher
