A man is giving his son advice, "Whenever you buy something on the street, offer them half of what they want."
So the boy is out one day and wants to buy a Coke. He approaches a street vendor and asks how much. The vendor replies, "$2.56."
The boy says, "I'll give you $1.28." The vendor is outraged at first and tries to negotiate a higher price, but fails. He finally gives in, "Okay, $1."
The boy replies, "64 cents." The vendor is outraged but eventually agrees again.
This continues until the price is at 2 cents. The vendor says, "It's pointless now, just have it for free."
The boy says, "I'll take two."
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If you took NyQuil and No-Doz at the same time, would you dream you couldn’t sleep?
-Carrot Top
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A new study shows that estrogen appears to help protect women’s memories from decline due to aging. After being given estrogen, researchers found that women once again were able to bring up things their husbands did years ago and throw it back in their faces.
-Johnny Robish
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The only difference between alternative medicine and an HMO is that more doctors believe HMOs don’t work.
-Wally Wang
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The journal of the American Medical Association says that a third of all drug complications in hospitals are due to errors. The other two-thirds were intentional, or recreational.
-Johnny Robish
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I don’t get along with nurses. They’re vicious to women. When my friend Trudy was in labor, the nurse looked down at her and said, “Still think blondes have more fun?”
-Joan Rivers
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Japan has done their first organ transplant. Because they’ve had taboos in Japan about cutting up corpses, cultural taboos, but they’ve apparently overcome that. And the great thing about the Japanese transplant is they do it right there at your table.
-Bill Maher
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I went to Gus’s artificial organ and taco stand. I said, “Give me a bladder, por favor” The guy said, “Is that to go?” Well, what else would I want it for?
-Emo Philips
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When I was a kid I was poor. I never got an X-ray. My old man would hold me up to the light.
-Rodney Dangerfield
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My son has taken up meditation. At least it’s better than siting doing nothing.
-Max Kauffman
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I’m very resourceful. The other day, this man passed out from a heart attack. So I hooked up my jumper cables and turned on the engine. I didn’t save his life but I cloned my Hyundai.
-Fran Chernowsky
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I love New York City emergency rooms. “My friend here accidentally stabbed himself in the back, twenty-nine times. Go figure. He was loading his knife, and it went off.”
-Billy Crystal
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One of the most difficult things to contend with in a hospital is the assumption on the part of the staff that because you have lost your gallbladder you have also lost your mind.
-Jean Kerr
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Mammogram. You ever get one of those things? They put your breast in a vise and take it hostage. Start cranking it shut, like you have the secret rocket formula. You don’t think it’s ever going to get back into its natural shape again, you’ll be rolling it up to get it back in the bra. Put a little ham key on the end of it.
-Margaret Smith
