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A man walks up to a bartender and tells him "I bet you $5,000 I can pee into a cup all the way across your bar."
The bartender, knowing this is impossible, agrees.
They set it up and the man starts peeing all over the place, missing the cup completely.
The bartender begins to cheer because he know he just won $5,000.
The man walks over to his friends and comes back to the bartender.
He pays the bartender his money with a grin on his face.
The bartender asks him "Why are you so happy? You just lost $5,000."
The man replies "I know, but I bet my friends $10,000 dollars that you would cheer while I pee all over the bar."
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Being married is like eating at Denny’s. As long as your expectations aren’t too high, you may enjoy the Grand Slam breakfast.
-Jeff Stilson
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I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
-Rita Rudner
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I was married for a short time. just long enough to realize all those comedians weren’t joking.
-Daniel Lybra
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My wife would not live with me before we were married. Now that we’ve been together for a while, I’m trying to convince her to get her own place again.
-Jeff Jena
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Before I got married, my wife told me, “Don’t talk about sex until we get married.” We got married and she said, “Now you can talk about it all you want.”
-Rodney Dangerfield
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You know you’re married when you’re lying in bed with somebody and you suddenly think, “Uh oh, I’ve got to go home, my wife’s waiting on me.”
-Jeff Foxworthy
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According to Psychology Today, to keep your sex life active as a married couple, you should engage in role playing. This works. Once a month my wife and I check into a cheap motel, and she pretends to be a hooker while I pretend to be a TV evangelist.
-Wally Wang
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I think the bottom-line difference between being single and being married is this: When you’re single you’re as happy as YOU are. When you’re married, you can only be as happy as the least happy person in the apartment.
-Tom Hertz
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In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
-Rita Rudner
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The beauty part is, in any couple only one person has to be sane at a time. You talk them out of their tree, so they can be coherent enough to talk you out of your tree. All the time you spend trying to understand the other person isn’t even for their sake. You just want to make sure they’re ready to handle your next psychotic episode.
-Paul Reiser
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When you’re newly married, you fight over three things; money, sex, and in-laws. After twenty-one years, you stop fighting. You realize you’ll never have the first two, and you’ll always have the last one.
-Shannon Ireland
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I’ve been married for forty-three years, and it ain’t easy. By way of comparison, forty-three years is longer than most murderers spend in jail.
-Irv Gilman
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I’m only 5'2", and so I took tae kwon do lessons for a couple years. I loved it, but we were always paired up to fight with someone our own size. So now I can kick any twelve-year-old’s butt on the planet.
-Daryl Hogue
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