Little Johnny's Chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class. Observe what happens to the two the worms," said the professor putting the first worm in the glass of water.
The worm in the water moved about, twisting and seemingly unharmed.
He then dropped the second work in the whiskey glass. It writhed in pain for a moment, then quickly sank to the bottom and died.
"Now kids, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" he asked.
Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"
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People who do not want to be resuscitated now have the option to wear a bracelet that says DO NOT RESUSCITATE. To me this sounds like a great gift for someone you hate. What if you put the wrong bracelet on one night? You’re out having dinner, you pass out, and twenty minutes later you’re in the morgue. And all you wanted to do was accessorize.
-Joy Behar
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What is love? An extension of like. What is lust? An extension.
-Rodney Dangerfield
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A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple days.
-Tim Allen
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There is no love at first sight. And what do you mean by it exactly? You saw a woman putting gas in her car and you knew you were in love? Maybe it was the gas fumes, fool.
-Sinbad
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Before I met my husband I’d never fallen in love, though I’ve stepped in it a few times.
-Rita Rudner
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I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
-Steven Wright
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There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men don’t think there’s a lot they don’t know. Women want to learn. Men think, “I know what I’m doing, just show me somebody naked.”
-Jerry Seinfeld
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This one girl I saw in Playboy was so amazing. I don’t think she had silicone, I think she had helium. She was so big I couldn’t keep the magazine closed.
-Rita Rudner
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I don’t understand the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. Bikini models in a magazine about sports? That’ll make sense the day I see Dick Butkus in the Victoria’s Secret catalog.
-Sheila Wenz
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My mother always said, “Don’t marry for money. Divorce for money.”
-Wendy Liebman
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My husband and I didn’t sign a prenuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.
-Roseanne
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Marriage is the roughest thing in the world. Nelson Mandela endured twenty-seven years in a South African prison. But once he got out, it only took two years before his marriage busted his ass.
-Chris Rock
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The whole idea of marriage is so repulsive. Life is a grim sludge-trek toward death. If you’re married, you have to make that sludge-trek with someone going, “C’mon, would you hurry up already?”
-Patton Oswalt
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Till death do you part, that’s biblical. But they didn’t live long in those days, they had good plagues. Soon as that guy got on your nerves, here come some locusts to eat his ass. Now we got antibiotics, personal trainers, and tofu. We hang around forever. You end up just looking at each other, “I see you got up today. You should start smoking.”
-Wanda Sykes-Hall
