A struggling zoo's main attraction, a gorilla, dies during their most popular season.
They can't afford to lose the gorilla so they secretly hire one of the employees to be a gorilla in a suit for an extra $500 a week.
He quickly becomes even more popular than the original gorilla, everyone wants to see the human-like gorilla.
After a few months his popularity begins to wane so he decides to raise the stacks.
He climbs out of his enclosure and dangles from a tree in the lion exhibit but he loses his grip and falls.
Scared he begins to yell for help, "Somebody help!"
With this the lion pounces on top of him and whispers, "Shut up or you'll get us both fired!"
--------------------
Friends write me letters, run out of room on the front, and write “over” on the bottom. Like I’m that much of a moron. Because if it wasn’t there, I’d get to the bottom of the page: “And so Kathy and I went shopping and we . . .” “That’s the craziest thing! I don’t know why she would just end it that way.”
-Ellen DeGeneres
--------------------
The library gives you any book you want and says, “Please just bring it back when you’re done.” Like that pathetic kid who would let you borrow any of his stuff, if you would just be his friend. Everybody bullies the library a little, because it’s a government-funded pathetic friend. “Maybe I’ll bring it back on time, maybe I’ll bring it late. What you gonna do, charge me a nickel? I’m soo scared.”
-Jerry Seinfeld
--------------------
The best things in life really are free. So, how many kittens do you want?
-Nancy Jo Perdue
--------------------
In first grade my teacher asked what I expected of life. I said, “You color for a while, and then you die.”
-Jeffery Essmann
--------------------
My life hasn’t gone the way I thought it would. I’m in therapy now and I’m trying to find the exact moment that things went wrong. I’ve narrowed it down to conception.
-Joel Warshaw
--------------------
Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
-Dave Barry
--------------------
Life isn’t fair. My husband’s birthday is October 9. When it falls on a Monday, it’s Columbus Day, a holiday. My birthday is April 17. When it falls on Monday, it’s tax day. My thirtieth birthday fell on Monday, it was tax day, raining, and I was pregnant. If you throw in a dog and a pickup truck, you’ve got all the makings of a country song.
-Shannon Ireland
--------------------
The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down.
-Flip Wilson
--------------------
Life is something that happens when you can’t get to sleep.
-Fran Lebowitz
--------------------
I could be bitter about my life, but I’m not. It’s not what happens to you, it’s how you choose to deal with it. I find Prozac or a killing spree works best. If you see me on Cops, you’ll know the Prozac didn’t work.
-Daryl Hogue
--------------------
You know what I never get about the limo? The tinted windows. Nobody cares who is in the limo. You see a limousine go by, you know it’s either a rich guy or fifty prom kids with $1.75 each.
-Jerry Seinfeld
--------------------
My idea of the perfect living room would be the bridge on the starship Enterprise. Big chair, nice screen, remote control. Star Trek was the ultimate male fantasy: Hurtling through space in your living room, watching TV. That’s why the aliens were always dropping in, Kirk had the big screen.
-Jerry Seinfeld
