A professor is about to give his final exam, "You must turn in your paper before 2 PM. I won't take it a second later."
2 PM comes and all of the students turn in their paper and the professor begins to walk to his office.
One last student jumps up and approaches the professor, "I'm sorry I'm a few seconds late! You have to take my paper!"
The professor says, "Nope, I made it very clear-"
The student snaps at him, "Do you know who I am?"
He replies, "No I do not."
So the student grabs the stack of papers, puts his in the middle, and runs off.
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Eight kids in my family. You kind of get lost in the shuffle. We had to wear a name tag to Thanksgiving dinner.
-Brian Regan
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When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the seesaw. I had to keep running from one end to the other.
-Rodney Dangerfield
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I was a gay kid. My parents said, “We never suspected.” Give me a break. They gave me a chemistry set, and I used it to make my own line of skin-care products.
-Bob Smith
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One day I want to have kids, I’m just not ready yet. But I love to play with kids. And the best thing about playing with someone else’s child is, they’re not yours, so you can break them.
-Joel Warshaw
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The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of their tires.
-Dorothy Parker
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There’s useless stuff in my brain. I don’t know why I know it. It’s never gonna be a category on Jeopardy! “Yeah, Alex, I’ll take Useless Shit for five hundred, please.” “The answer is . . . George Glass.” Ding! “Who was Jan’s imaginary boyfriend?”
-Rosie O’Donnell
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The Miranda rights, as I see them: You have the right to remain silent, and to wear bananas on your head.
-Joy Behar
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I think the Brady Bill is working. I was in New York and I heard a guy say, “Give me your wallet, or I’ll blow your brains out in five business days.”
-Jonathan Katz
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A lawyer is basically the person who knows the rules of the country. We’re all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving our pieces around the board. But if there’s a problem, the lawyer is the only person who has read the inside of the top of the box.
-Jerry Seinfeld
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I’m the laziest person. I know I’m not supposed to admit that because-wooo, the work ethic! We lazy slobs get such a bad rap, but you people should be thanking us. Because if it weren’t for us lazy bastards, you guys wouldn’t have gotten into college.
-Ann Oelschlager
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Scientists at the University of Glasgow in Scotland believe there may be a gene for laziness. People who suspect they have inherited this gene can perform a simple test at home: Look in the mirror and see if you’ve got a big, fat ass.
-Craig Kilborn
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A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. “You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?” she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, “I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you, too.”
-Jake Johannson
