An antique dealer is walking through town and sees a cat drinking milk from a saucer in a shop window.
He is shocked when he realizes that the saucer is very rare and expensive.
He enters the shop and asks the owner "Hey, I really like the cat. Would you be willing to sell it to me?"
The store owner replies "Not for sale."
The antique dealer thinking quickly responds "I'll give you $100 for it."
The shop owner agrees and the antique dealer grabs the cat.
He acts like he is about to leave, then adds "Oh, would you mind throwing in the saucer, the cat seems to like it."
The shop owner replies "No, that's my lucky saucer. I've sold hundreds of cats since I got it."
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I hate going on job interviews. Like the last one, where they asked me about an eight-month gap in my work history, where I’d suffered from work amnesia. They asked, “What’s work amnesia?” I said, “That’s when you don’t remember what it’s like to hold a job.”
-Joel Warshaw
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I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.
-Steven Wright
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I was a bank teller. That was a great job. I was bringing home $450,000 a week.
-Joel Lindley
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How the hell did Marion Barry get his job back? Marion Barry smoked crack and got his job back as mayor. If you get caught smoking crack at McDonald’s you’re not going to get your job back. They can’t trust you around the Happy Meals. They’ll send your ass to Hardee’s.
-Chris Rock
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Foreigners do not come to this country and take our jobs. Face it, you don’t want to be a busboy, or a maid, or the roadside Linus Pauling hawking citrus on a traffic island.
-Dennis Miller
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Last year I left my job to stay home with my kids. One nice thing about it is, I’m my own boss. So I declared Real Casual Fridays. I don’t get out of bed.
-Eileen Courtney
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The other night I came home late and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, “Right here, Officer.” Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, “Get out of my driveway!”
-Steven Wright
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My girlfriend Holly and I went to visit a friend who has two children. Afterward all Holly could talk about was how cute the kids were. That’s pretty scary to a single guy. The only time scarier was when she was shaking the stick from the pregnancy kit, and I was yelling like I was at the roulette table in Vegas, “Come on blue! Come on blue!”
-Joel Warshaw
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My mother used to say to us kids, “What did I do to deserve you monsters?” And I thought, “Mom, boys don’t come from cauliflowers, and girls from roses. Wake up, you just had sex with the wrong guy.”
-Jim Rez
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I love my kids, but I need something more. Like, perhaps, a life.
-Roseanne
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When you’re a parent you give up your freedom. You sleep according to someone else’s schedule, you eat according to someone else’s schedule. It’s like being in jail, but you really love the warden.
-Lew Schneider
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Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.
-Ray Romano
