A wealthy lawyer is driving down the road in his limo when he sees two men eating grass on the side of the road. He pulls over to investigate.
He asks one of the men, "Why are you eating this disgusting grass?"
The man replies, "I'm too poor, it's all we have."
The lawyer replies, "You and your buddy can come home with me and I'll feed you."
The man replies, "But sir, we both have families."
The lawyer replies, "Bring them all!" So they all pile into the car.
One of the men's wives turns to the lawyer and tells him, "Thank you so much sir, we really needed this."
The lawyer responds, "No problem, the grass is almost a foot tall, you'll love it!"
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I get a lot of ribbing because my husband is so young. While I was smoking my first joint, my husband was only two years old. I got so stoned, I made him drive home.
-Thyra Lees-Smith
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I used to live on Ben & Jerry’s ice cream. But their flavors are getting a little too radical for me. I draw the line at Chocolate Chicken Liver Chunk.
-Brock Cohen
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Every time an election comes around there’s always that same message of love. “You know what’s wrong with this country? People from other countries.” We’re Americans, we all came over on a boat, one way or another. Who is from this country? Technically, only the Indians. Who we graciously let dwell on their native casinos.
-Greg Proops
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I got up one morning and couldn’t find my socks, so I called Information. I said, “I can’t find my socks.” She said, “They’re behind the couch.” And they were!
-Steven Wright
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Some women think that any aerosol can kill a bug. Anything that sprays. “Deodorant! Use that! I’ve killed bugs with deodorant! Try that.” Try killing a monster with deodorant. It’s not easy. And all I could find was the roll-on.
-Ray Romano
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Last Weekend my husband and I kept finding all these wasps flying around in our living room, and I would catch them and throw them out the window. I have this idea that it was all the same wasp, he’s just into extreme sports.
-Thyra Lees-Smith
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I’m kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
-Steven Wright
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I once went to Sears to buy a workbench. It came in a big, big box and there was some assembly required. There were instructions, but I didn’t need those. Hey, I’m a guy; my balls will tell me how it all fits together."
-Tim Allen
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I put fake brick wallpaper over the real brick walls in my house. So when people come over I can say, “Go ahead, touch it. It feels real.” "
--Steven Wright
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Can anyone tell me why Tampax needs a website? “Geez, the cramps are really kicking in. I’d better head over to the maxi-pad chat room to type in ‘Kill me.’”
-Elvira Kurt
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How do you keep kids away from the Internet? Two words: Mandatory Television.
-Dennis Miller
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My husband gave me a necklace. It’s fake. I requested fake. Maybe I’m paranoid, but in this day and age, I don’t want something around my neck that’s worth more than my head.
-Rita Rudner
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I tried to get a job at Office Depot and Staples. I didn’t need the money. I just wanted to steal from a company that would never run out of office supplies.
-Wally Wang
