John was in an accident and his face was badly burned.
The doctors couldn't reconstruct his face with John's own skin because he was so skinny.
But his wife said they could use hers.
The doctor decided that the best skin to be used was from her butt.
So they took her skin and reconstructed Johns face.
After the surgery he looked better than ever!
His entire family was amazed, but none of them ever learned where the skin came from; they assumed it was his own.
One night John is overcome with emotion so he begins to cry and tells his wife "I love you so much. I'm so grateful for your sacrifice."
She shrugs and says "Honey, all of the thanks I need comes when your mother kisses you on the cheek."
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On Presidents’ Day you stay home and you don’t do anything. Sounds like Vice Presidents’ Day.
-Jay Leno
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I wanted to make it really special on Valentine’s Day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours I watched l whatever I wanted to on TV.
-Tracy Smith
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You know, Jews have great holidays. Like Yom Kippur, Jewish Day of Atonement. You don’t eat for one day, all your sins are wiped clean for the whole year. Beat that with your Lent. Even in sin you’re paying retail.
-Jon Stewart
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My family is Jewish, so on holidays we eat these big, heavy, starchy meals. In honor of Jewish cooking, our next holiday will be called the Festival of Tums.
-Fran Chernowsky
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I think I finally understand the Oscars. It’s a chance for the movie industry to show people how boring television is.
-Bill Maher
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I was watching the Academy Awards and noticed that when the camera panned the audience you could plainly see that the plastic surgeon’s scalpel must have been working overtime. Maybe we should just call it the Night of a Hundred Scars.
-Joy Baher
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They’re going too far with the way they advertise movies. They figure we believe as long as someone involved with one hit movie contributes to a new one, that it will be worth seeing. It’s like, “From the parking lot attendant who brought you Independence Day, and the janitor who worked on Titanic, comes Star Trek Eighteen: The Brady Bunch Conquers Outer Space.”
-Robert Murray
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My family was homeless for a long time. I grew up in Canada, so I thought we had just gone camping. And my parents kept me in the dark, because they were embarrassed. I’d ask, “Dad, are we living below the poverty line?” And he’d say, “No, son. We’re rich as long as we have each other. Now get in the Dumpster.” `
-Jim Carrey
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In hotel rooms I worry. I think, I can’t be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
-Jonathan Katz
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Those room-service guys come into your room looking as if they’ve just been jumped. “Where do you want the food?” Well, there are two flat surfaces; the table or your head.
-Louie Anderson
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I checked into a hotel the other day, and the woman behind the counter asked, “Do you have a floor preference?” “Yeah, I would like a floor. ” Apparently, they can suspend you from the ceiling now. She was all impatient. “No, what level?” “Sorry, I’m not that bright. How about . . . beginner?”
-Paula Poundstone
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What a hotel! The towels were so fluffy I could hardly close my suitcase.
-Henny Youngman
