Three men are sitting on a beach in Jamaica talking about how they all ended up there.
The first man says, "I ran a superstore out in California. But business got bad so one day there was a bad fire and I collected the insurance money and moved out here."
The next man says, "I had a Jewelry store in the Midwest. But business went downhill and we were robbed. So I collected the insurance and moved out here."
The final guy says, "I had a little fishery on the East Coast. One day a hurricane hit and I collected the insurance money. I had nothing left but the money so I moved out here."
The other two men look confused for a while then ask him, "How in the world did you start a hurricane?"
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I stayed at a Motel 6 the other night. Not only did they leave the light on for me, they also left a half-eaten cheeseburger under the pillowcase and some hair in the shower.
-Dobie Maxwell
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In my house there’s this light-switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, “Cut it out.”
-Steven Wright
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You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again.
-Joan Rivers
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It is better to light just one candle than to clean the whole apartment.
-Eileen Courtney
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I bought an electric broom, and my husband said, “Electric brooms are for lazy people. Why don’t you use a regular one?” I’m not sure how well my new broom sweeps yet, but it sure works swell to beat a man over the head with.
-Stephanie Schiern
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I love it when my husband thinks I might leave him. He gets so insecure, he does the dishes. Too bad I have to actually file divorce papers to get him to clean the toilet.
-Shirley Lipner
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I’m not going to vacuum till Sears makes one you can ride on.
-Roseanne
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
-Phyllis Diller
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The human body is like a condominium apartment. The thing that keeps you from really enjoying it is the maintenance. From showering to open-heart surgery, daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly, we’re always doing something to ourselves. If your body was a used car, you wouldn’t buy it. “This is one of those Earth models, right? Too much work to keep going. The new ones are nice looking, though.”
-Jerry Seinfeld
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I don’t understand the term human race. Who are we competing against? And the way things are going, I’m betting on the cockroaches.
-Joel Warshaw
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He was cheating on me with his secretary. I found lipstick on his collar, covered with Wite-Out.
-Wendy Liebman
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He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant.
-Carol Leifer
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My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.
-Roseanne
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Men are married about six months, and they can’t even dress themselves anymore. “Honey, does this tie go with my underwear?”
-John Mendoza
