Two men, Tom and Joe, have loved baseball more than anything their entire lives.
One day Tom says to Joe, "If you die before me, promise me you'll come back and tell me if there is baseball in Heaven."
Joe agrees and makes Tom promise the same thing. About a week later Tom dies.
One night Joe wakes up to somebody calling his name. Scared, he asks, "Who's there?"
Suddenly Tom appears and says, "Hi Joe. I'm coming here from Heaven. I've got some good news and some bad news. I'll give you the good news first, there is baseball in heaven!"
Joe gets very excited, but then he asks, "What's the bad news?"
Tom looks at him grimly and says, "I looked at the lineup and you're pitching tomorrow."
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When I was little my grandfather one Christmas gave me a box of broken glass. He gave my brother a box of Band-Aids, and said, “You two share.”
-Steven Wright
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My six-year-old nephew couldn’t understand why I bought toys to give to a charity for poor kids. Couldn’t those kids wait for Santa’s free toys to come Christmas Day? I broke down and told him the truth, that Santa Claus is a Republican.
-Brenda Pontiff
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Last Christmas I got no respect. In my stocking, I got an Odor-Eater.
-Rodney Dangerfield
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The mayor of New York spent Christmas morning giving out free turkeys in Harlem. And then had the police tenderize the turkeys with their nightsticks.
-Chris Rock
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I celebrated Thanksgiving in the traditional way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast. And then I killed them and took their land.
-Jon Stewart
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I went to a Halloween party dressed as the Equator. People who walked toward me got warmer.
-Steven Wright
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A guy comes down to Earth, takes your sins, dies, and comes back three days later. You believe in him, and go to heaven forever. How do you get from that to hide the eggs? Did Jesus have a problem with eggs? Did he go, “When I come back, if I see any eggs, the whole salvation thing is off”?
-Jon Stewart
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I love Halloween, I never have any problem finding a car to borrow. I just dress up as a valet, and then stand in front of an expensive hotel, and say, “May I park your Porsche, sir?”
-Robert Murray
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Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, Blam! Blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?
-Kenny Rogerson
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We’re having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.
-George Carlin
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Calista Flockhart, TV’s Ally McBeal, celebrated Thanksgiving this year by eating half a crouton. And she washed it down by sucking on a Wet-Nap.
-Chris Rock
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I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.
-Howie Mandel
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The mother of those sextuplets wanted to be home for Thanksgiving, and she got her wish. She said she wanted to be able to prepare the Thanksgiving feast herself, if she could find where she left that darn turkey baster.
-Bill Maher
