A blonde walks into a New York bank and asks for a $1,000 loan for a month long trip to Asia.
The loan officer tells her "You are going to need some collateral if you want a loan."
The blonde tells him "I'll leave my Rolls Royce, it's worth $200,000.”
The bank accepts the security and laughs at her for leaving such an expensive car for such a small loan.
When she comes back from her trip she goes to the bank and repays her loan plus interest, coming to $1,020.
The bank manager smirks at her and asks "We know you are a millionaire, why would you get such a small loan and use such an expensive car for collateral?"
The blonde looks at him and smiles "Where else can I park my car in the city for a month for $20?"
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Like Joan of Arc, my life ended at nineteen. In my case, I married.
-Shannon Ireland
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Gays started the Renaissance. It was probably two gay guys at a party saying, “Wouldn’t it be fun to make religious paintings of hot naked guys, and sell them to churches? Oh, that would be a hoot!”
-Bob Smith
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The lie is that the Pilgrims were seeking religious freedom in the New World. The Pilgrims were asked to leave England because they got tired of those right-wing psycho-Christians bumming people out and wearing buckles on their heads. “Hey, why don’t you freaky weirdos get into a rickety little boat, sail to a new world, and commit genocide on the indigenous people? Have a witch trial. We’ll be over here enjoying the Renaissance.”
-Greg Proops
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Do you think when they asked George Washington for his ID, he just took out a quarter?
-Steven Wright
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Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2. Advising the president. 3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
-David Letterman
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People always ask me, “Where were you when Kennedy was shot?” Well, I don’t have an alibi.
-Emo Philips
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It’s been twenty-five years since Nixon’s resignation, and a lot has changed with the Republican Party since then. For example, today’s family values. Republicans back then were still on their first wives.
-Bill Maher
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During the mid-1980s dairy farmers decided there was too much cheap milk at the supermarket. So the government bought and slaughtered 1.6 million dairy cows. How come the government never does anything like this with lawyers?
-P. J. O’Rourke
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Three teachers hiking in remote British Columbia stumbled upon the remains of an ancient man trapped in an ice floe. At first, experts weren’t sure just how old the man was. But, fortunately, his well-preserved body was still wearing his Class of 4309 B.C. high school ring.
-Craig Kilborn
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My mom wanted to know why I never get home for the holidays. I said, “Because I can’t get Delta to wait in the yard while I run in.”
-Margaret Smith
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I bought my brother some gift wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
-Steven Wright
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My parents were cruel to me. I was about four years old when my dad asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I said, “I’d like a little dolly.” Christmas Day he wheels in this tremendous metal thing. You ever try to dress one of those things?
-Ellen DeGeneres
