Little Johnny's next door neighbor had a baby.
Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears.
When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby.
At the neighbor's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at its mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!”
The mother said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny.”
He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet.
Why... just look at his pretty little eyes. Did his doctor say he can see good?”
The Mother said, "Why, yes... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision.”
Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a darn good thing, cause he sure as heck can't wear glasses!"
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I don’t go out with my single friends anymore, because I never have any fun. Go to a club, a guy comes over, says, “Can I buy you a drink?” “No, oh no, she’s married.” Yeah, I’m married, but I’m thirsty. Why don’t you shut the hell up, and let me have a free drink?
-Wanda Sykes-Hall
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I’m into health. Just let me give you a quick hint. Stay away from any substance that’s white. sugar, flour, milk, salt, heroin, cocaine. And of course, the most dangerous thing of all: white people.
-Richard Belzer
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I know I need some kind of athletic activity in my life, so I subscribed to a couple of health magazines. There’s nothing better than kicking back with a cigarette, a Budweiser, and Prevention magazine . . . and reading about what nicotine, alcohol, and sloth will do to me. The anxiety alone raises my heart rate.
-Cindee Weiss
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Any kind of physical test I want to do well. Remember those hearing tests in school? I was trying to hear so hard, I wanted them to say to me afterwards, “We think you have something close to super-hearing. You heard a cotton ball touching a piece of felt. We’re sending the results to Washington. We’d like you to meet the president.”
-Jerry Seinfeld
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According to a brand-new study, kissing may boost the immune system and help you live longer. That’s why every time I go to the doctor, I ask him to slip me the tongue.
-Conan O’Brien
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Women are more realistic when it comes to health. You ever notice that when men get sick, they blame it on the last thing they ate? A couple pina coladas, a plate of cheese fries, a steak, fried chicken, big wedge of chocolate cake, and he finishes with one of those dinner mints. Gets in the car and goes, “Ohhh, I shouldn’t have eaten that mint! What was in that mint?”
-Jay Leno
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How bad do you have to be before they take you to hell? Maybe there’s a bargaining period. I could promise to do volunteer work. There must be sub-chambers in hell, different levels. Rooms at street level, rooms with air conditioners. Rooms with a view of the inferno. Rooms where they automatically bring ketchup when you order fries.
-Louie Anderson
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I love Christians who tell me something sweet and Christian, like “You’re going to hell!” It’s not hard for me to picture gay hell. “The scorching wind from the fiery pit messed up my hair, there’s no mousse? No blow-dryer? This is hell! There’s nothing on TV but Hee Haw. My furniture is from Levitz! I’m living in a trailer park! Aaaahl”
-Danny McWilliams
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I grew up in a non-jewish community where a lot of people would tell me I was going to hell because I’m Jewish. So I wondered, what would hell be like? All the assholes will be there. It’ll be really hot. And if the Jews are there, you’ll have the entertainment industry. It’ll be a lot like living in Los Angeles.
-Stephanie Schiern
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My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don’t really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing sixty miles per hour.
-Steven Wright
