The new CEO of a company comes into work determined to turn things around.
Trying to prove himself to his new employees he looks around the office and sees a guy leaning against a wall doing nothing.
He approaches the guy and asks him, "What do you think you're doing?"
The man replies, "I'm just killing time, waiting to get paid."
The CEO is furious, "What do you make a week?"
The man tells him, "About $200 a week."
The CEO pulls out his wallet and hand the man $400 and says, "There's your two weeks, now get out of here!”
After the man leaves he turns to his employees and asks, "What do you think about that?"
One of the employees stands up and says, "I think he just got the largest tip he's ever gotten on a single pizza."
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We don’t need no gun control, We need bullet control. Bullets should cost five thousand dollars, then people would think before they killed somebody. “Man, I would blow your head off, if I could afford it. I’m going to get me another job, save my money. You better hope I can’t get no bullets on layaway.”
-Chris Rock
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You want gun control? Get rid of metal detectors around the Capitol building. Take away Secret Service protection for politicians. By next week the worst thing you’ll have to worry about is drive-by shoutings. Which, I might add, are protected by the First Amendment.
-Dennis Miller
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Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food, frequently there must be a beverage.
-Woody Allen
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Some nut in Texas went into a church and shot people. But Charlton Heston pointed out that this never would have happened if the minister had been armed. And, never missing a beat, Congress insisted that churches begin posting the Ten Commandments.
-Bill Maher
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I’m all for hunters having guns. Or anything else that increases the odds of two rednecks blowing each other’s heads off.
-Bobcat Goldthwait
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My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.
-Caroline Rhea
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Have you been to the gym lately? Boy, some of those guys overdevelop. If your neck is as wide as your head, take a day off.
-Margaret Smith
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The StairMaster at my gym is scary, it tells you how many floors you’ve climbed. The guy next to me must have been depressed because he climbed fifty-two floors, walked to the edge, and jumped to his death.
-Joe Ditzel
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Why would anyone want to go to a place called a family fitness center? Why should your family burn off their pent-up energies at a gym, when you can all accomplish the same thing for free at home with a series of ugly, confrontational shouting matches?
-Dennis Miller
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I worked out at this really fancy health club. They had a spiral StairMaster.
-Wendy Liebman
