A blonde woman decides to start a handyman service to make some extra money.
She walks around a wealthy neighborhood and walks up to the first house.
A man answers the door and she asks if there is anything she can do.
He tells her "The porch need painted, how much would that cost?"
She replies "How does $50 sound?" He agrees and she gets to work.
When the man goes back into his house and his wife asks him "Does she know the porch wraps around the house?”
He tells her "She has to, she saw it."
About an hour later she comes to the door to collect her money.
She says "I had extra paint so I put on two coats.”
The man is really impressed and gives her the money.
She thanks him and says "And by the way, it's a BMW, not a porch."
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My gym has two-pound weights. If you’re using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What’s your dream? To pump up and open your mail?
-Dave Attell
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I had to cancel my gym membership, because they won’t let me smoke at the juice bar. Hey, I bench-pressed an anorexic from step class, I deserve that coffin nail.
-Cindee Weiss
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I never work out. I only go to the gym once a year-to renew. When I get the urge to exercise, I just lie down till it passes.
-Le Maire
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Why are we so careful about locking up our dirty towels and smelly jockstraps? What exactly is the black market for these disgusting gym clothes? I’ll give my car to any guy in a short red jacket in front of a restaurant, but for my stinking, putrefied workout clothes I’ve got one of these locks you could put a bullet through.
-Jerry Seinfeld
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I got a bad haircut recently. It was a haircut that actually redefined head trauma.
-Cindee Weiss
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When I was in college I shaved my head, mostly to spite my mother. And I really went all out: I did it in her bathroom, used her razor—practiced on her cat. And it was the holidays in my little Ohio town, so I was sporting all my mother’s Christmas presents. So picture this: shaved head, teddybear turtleneck, Christmas tree sweater. I looked like Telly Savalas went to Sears.
-Ann Oelschlager
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I used to go to old-fashioned barbershops, because they were cheap. They have pictures on the wall of all these different hairstyles. But no matter which you pick, everyone comes out with the same damn cut, looking like Pugsley from the Addams Family.
-Joey Gallinal
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I hate the fact that I’m losing my hair, but it’s genetic. I’ve figured a way around this family curse; I’m adopting. I wouldn’t care if my child were the illegitimate bastard of Charles Manson. Because you’ve got to admit, before he carved that swastika into his forehead, Charlie had a great head of hair.
-Joel Warshaw
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You never see anyone anymore with the little Hitler mustache. He ruined that look forever, it’s good he chose such a lame one. Imagine if Hitler had gone with the big Elvis side-bums? The tragedy would be that Elvis couldn’t have had them, and he might have gone with the little mustache.
-Al Lubel
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Whenever I see a handicapped parking sticker, I get the hell out of there. If they’re handicapped, why are they driving? Apparently the geniuses at the DMV can overrule a doctor. But when they give out mental handicapped stickers, you’ll really see me move. A schizophrenic hits my car, I’m gonna be pissed, no matter which of his personalities did it.
-Joel Warshaw
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Hanging out with your friends late, that’s when it all happens. Go home a little early, big mistake. You get that call the next day, “Ten minutes after you left, the Spice Girls broke in and had sex with everyone. Even the fat kid wearing the Babylon Five T-shirt got a little.”
-Dave Attell
