A large group of blondes gathered in the middle of New York City to prove once and for all they are smart people. They challenged everybody to ask any of them any question.
A man approaches them and accepts their challenge. He randomly picks a blonde woman and asks her "What is the first letter of the alphabet?"
The woman replies "V!" The man tells her she is wrong and the group begins to chant "One more chance! One more chance!"
The man replies "Okay okay. What is the capital of New York?"
The woman yells "Toronto!" The crowd chants again "One more chance! One more chance!"
The man indulges them "Okay fine, final chance. What is two plus two?"
The woman yells "Four!" The crowd chants again "One more chance! One more chance!"
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My grandfather is hard of hearing, he needs to read lips. I don’t mind him reading lips, but he uses those yellow highlighters.
-Brian Kiley
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My grandfather, and the talks. The We Didn’t Have Anything in the Old Days talk. “What happiness? We didn’t have happiness in the old days. We were miserable, and we liked it.”
-Billy Crystal
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When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
-Steven Wright
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I’ll always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, “A truck!”
-Emo Philips
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Call Waiting. My grandmother says, “I’ve got call waiting. You call and the line is busy, you wait till I get through.”
-Sinbad
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My grandmother is eighty-five years old and she’s starting to lose her memory. Everybody’s upset about it except me, because I got eight checks for my birthday from her. Hey, that’s forty bucks.
-Tom Arnold
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My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands. Two of them were just napping.
-Rita Rudner
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My nana, ninety years old and still driving. Not with me, that would be stupid.
-Tim Allen
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My grandmother’s brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a Democrat in the family.
-Emo Philips
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The clearest indication of the complexity of modern relationships is the greeting cards that are blank on the inside. It’s like the card companies say, “We give up, you think of something. For seventy-five cents, it’s not worth us getting involved.”
-Jerry Seinfeld
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Last year in this country there were more people killed as a result of firearms than as a result of automobile accidents. A trend that will continue until we can develop a more accurate automobile.
-Jonathan Katz
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The Centers for Disease Control report that guns are now the second leading cause of premature death in America, just behind AIDS. So, if you must have unprotected sex, don’t use a gun.
-Johnny Robish
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Guns don’t kill people. It’s those bullets ripping through the body.
-Eddie Izzard
