A pirate walks into a bar with an eyepatch, peg-leg, and hook for a hand. The bartender notices his leg, "How did you get that peg-leg?"
The pirate replies, "It were many years ago. I were walkin' on the deck when a wave swept a shark aboard. The shark bit my leg off!"
"Wow," replies the bartender. "What about that hand?"
The pirate replies, "It were many years ago. I were walkin' on the deck when a wave swept a killer whale aboard. The whale bit my hand off!"
"Oh," replies the bartender. "How about the eye?"
The pirate replies, "It were many years ago. I were walkin' on the deck when a seagull came outta nowhere and pooped in my eye."
"And that blinded you?" asked the bartender.
"No, it twas my first day with the hook."
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You can’t please everybody. Like, I have a girlfriend. My girlfriend to me is the most wonderful, most remarkable person in the world. That’s to me. But to my wife . . .
-Jackie Mason
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I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.
-Mitch Hedberg
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People always want to try on my glasses. That’s rude. I don’t go to people with hairpieces, “Hey, let me try on your wig. Let me sit in your wheelchair. Oh my God, you are so crippled.”
-Jim Gaffigan
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I think a lot of people believe in God, just in case. You don’t want to be in heaven going, “Isn’t there some kind of community service I could do?”
-Mark Maron
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God has got some hard rules. “Turn the other cheek.” You might slap me, I might turn the other cheek. But when I come back around, your ass better not be there.
-Steve Harvey
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In the beginning there was nothing. God said, “Let there be light! ” And there Was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.
-Ellen DeGeneres
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If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is God is crying. And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, “Probably because of something you did.”
-Emo Philips
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A lawsuit was dismissed against God. Somebody in Syracuse sued God for not giving him guitar-playing skills, and not bringing back his pigeon from the dead. But the judge said you can’t sue God. Because if you do, the next thing they’ll start to challenge Microsoft.
-Bill Maher
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I fear that one day I’ll meet God, he’ll sneeze, and I won’t know what to say.
-Ronnie Shakes
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My dad’s a golfer. Well, not really, he watches it on TV. But it takes the same amount of energy to get a sweat going on that vinyl seat after nine hours.
-Mike Rowe
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I don’t rent a golf cart. I don’t need one. Where I hit the ball, I can use public transportation.
-Gene Perret
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I’m not even married yet and my future in-laws are already pressuring me to produce grandsons. Their motto is, “We’re not losing a son, We’re gaining a uterus.”
-Stephanie Schiern
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I only have one grandpa. We call him Grandpa Alive. He still beats me at checkers, but I kick his ass at full-contact karate.
-Dave Attell
