A rancher was minding his own business when an FBI agent comes up to him and says, "We got a tip that you may be growing illegal drugs on the premises. Do you mind if I take a look around?"
The old rancher replies, "That's fine, you shouldn't go over there though." As he points at one of his fields.
The FBI agent snaps at him and says, "I'm am a federal agent! I can go wherever I want!”
With this he pulls out his badge and shoves it into the ranchers face.
The rancher shrugs this off and continues with his daily chores.
About 15 minutes later he hears a loud scream from the field he pointed out earlier.
Suddenly he sees the FBI agent sprinting towards him with a large bull on his heels.
The rancher rushes to the fence and yells "Your badge! Show him your badge!"
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New York now leads the world’s great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn’t make a move.
-David Letterman
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I’m a New Yorker who moved to California, and now I live in Ohio. Each place has a different outlook on life. To New Yorkers life is a war, in California life is a beach. In the Midwest life is a brewski.
-Karen Williams
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Ohio is an old Indian word. It means, “I’m so bored my head hurts.”
-Joe Ditzel
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When I first moved to San Francisco it was foggy, rainy, and cold. At first I thought it’s sort of romantic, I’ll break up an old chair for kindling, buy a bottle of wine, and sit in front of the fire for the day. Two months later … a hopeless alcoholic, with no furniture.
-Paula Poundstone
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I was raised in Utah, and Salt Lake is very . . . Caucasian. I was at this restaurant one time, and the hostess called for the white party. Everybody stood up.
-Natasha Ahanin
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I’m going to write a book about the South. I’m going to call it When Beautiful Places Happen to Bad People.
-Brett Butler
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I tellin’ ya, I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.
-Rodney Dangerfield
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Firefighters descended on the Blue Ridge Mountains in Tennessee when smoke could be seen from over thirty miles away. They were relieved to find that the source of the smoke was just another Willie Nelson camping trip.
-Craig Kilborn
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In Tulsa, restaurants have signs that say, “Sorry, we’re open.”
-Roseanne
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Washington, D.C., is no longer an honored and revered institution commanding the respect of its republic, but a soap opera circus, a tabloid dartboard, a Hollywood with better acting, and a bemusement park where the rides are four years long, and the popcorn is a billion dollars a bucket.
-Dennis Miller
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I like the West. That’s where men are men and women are women, and it’s hard to beat a combination like that.
-Milton Berle
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Last week I saw what was left of my ex-girlfriend at the grocery store. She’d pierced her nose, bleached her hair, and had lip, cheek, and breast implants. She was so artificial, I could barely recognize her from two feet away. It made me wonder, “Why couldn’t she have looked like that when we were going out?”
-Brock Cohen
