Little Johnny's teacher asks him, "If I gave you two cats, then two more, and two more cats; how many would you have?"
Little Johnny replies, "Seven!"
His teacher asks him again more slowly, "If I gave you two cats, then two more, and two more cats; how many would you have?"
But again Little Johnny replies, "Seven!"
Next she asks, "If I get two cats, then two more, and two more cats; how many would I have?"
Little Johnny replies, "Six!"
"Good Job Johnny! Now if I gave you two cats, then two more, and two more cats; how many would you have?"
Johnny thinks for a second, "Seven."
His teacher gets mad, "Johnny, where do you get seven?!"
Johnny replies, "You gave me six cats, and I already have a freaking cat!"
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In Israel it’s traditional to throw water as your guests exit, for good luck. So my mother-in-law always throws a cup of water at me and my fiancé when we leave her house. Last night she turned the hose on us. Next week I’m bringing a squirt gun and telling her, “This is an American tradition, Mom.”
-Stephanie Schiern
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Being from Kentucky, I’m not impressed by the Star Wars plot twists. Darth Vader is Luke’s father, big deal. In a small town, everyone knows who your father is, and where he ran off to. “Son of a gun took up with some no-count, floozy evil empire. Force, my ass. He was always a bad apple.” The real surprise would be if Darth Vader turned out to be Luke’s father, and his cousin.
-Lesley Wake
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Los Angeles is a city that makes you feel like shit about yourself twenty-four hours a day, so I’ve been thinking about getting breast implants. Not because I need them, but because I live in L.A. But if I get implants, I want people to know I spent the money, so I’m thinking of getting four. Two up, two down. Now that’s fancy.
-Cathryn Michon
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I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. The judge asked me, “Do you know what the punishment for drunk driving in this state is?” I said, “I don’t know. Reelection to the Senate?”
-Emo Philips
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I’m from Milwaukee, home of beer, Harley-Davidson motorcycles, and per capita the most overweight people on the face of the earth. UFOs won’t land there because they can’t get anyone in the spaceship and still have power to take off.
-Dobie Maxwell
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I’m from Minnesota, such an embarrassing place. Jesse Ventura is governor, that’s really all you need to know. When I was a kid I used to fantasize that I was from somewhere really glamorous and exciting, like South Dakota.
-Cathryn Michon
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In New York my apartment had every kind of insect, every bug imaginable. I had serious rodents. Mice in tap shoes. Rats in pimp outfits, “Gimme some cheese, bitch.”
-Billy Crystal
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There was an item in the paper today. A lion got loose in the Central Park Zoo. And was severely mauled.
-Bob Newhart
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A man died on the New York subway and his body rode around for five hours before anybody noticed. Everything is fine now, the proper officials were notified, and they were able to put the body in the East River where it belongs.
-Conan O’Brien
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New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most of it unsolved.
-Johnny Carson
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New York City is expecting twenty thousand potholes from this winter’s blizzard. City officials are concerned that there may not be enough streets to accommodate them.
-Johnny Robish
