A first grade teacher tells her class that she is American and asks them to raise their hands if they are American.
All of their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks, except one girl named Kristen. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I am not an American," the girl responds.
"Then," asks the teacher, "What are you?"
"I'm a proud Canadian," boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little annoyed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian.
"Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason. What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
"Well," says Kristen, "I'd be an American."
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I went to Australia, and those aborigines are so backward, they don’t even have casinos. What kind of native people don’t have casinos? That’s what life was like before the white man: hunting, gathering, and gambling.
-Norman K.
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I like California pretty much. I especially like California when it’s not moving. The idea of the ground opening up and sucking me in is not my idea of a good time. I already dated someone like that.
-Matina Bevis
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When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, “What do you need?”
-Steven Wright
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I used to live in Edmonton, Canada. There was a big sign downtown that said, “Jesus Saves!” And somebody spray-painted underneath, “and Gretzky scores on the rebound.”
-Joe Ditzel
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Fast food is everywhere. I was in China, and the biggest restaurant chain was Kentucky Fried Chicken. I think they still used the same eleven herbs and spices, but that was the first time I was ever asked if I wanted my order declawed.
-Jim Wyatt
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It’s a good thing I didn’t grow up in Germany. There a D cup is like a trainer bra.
-Tanya Luckerath
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I spend a lot of time in England because I like a country where I’m considered the best-looking person. In England, God bless that dinky island, it’s, “Look at him! He has all his teeth, and his ears are in proportion to his head!”
-Greg Proops
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I just got back from visiting my father in Iran. It’s difficult there for a woman. I had to cover my body and my hair, and I had to do so on the plane before we landed. The stewardesses were
really nice, “Peanuts, ginger ale . . . black cloak?” They have prostitutes in Iran, but it’s a little different. “Oooh, you’re so hot. Would you like to see my . . . ear?”
-Natasha Ahanin
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I went to Israel and I tell you, boy, they’re cocky. God was born there, so there’s no talking to those people. I’m from Jersey and we’ve got Springsteen, but that’s different. You get off the plane, and it’s, “Welcome to Israel, the Holy Land.” Oh, great, I’m from America, Home of the
Whopper.
-Jon Stewart
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You can’t smoke in a restaurant in Los Angeles. Which is mildly ironic, considering that you can’t breathe the air outside a restaurant in Los Angeles.
-Greg Proops
