There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas.
When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!”
The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit the hotel bar.
Upon arriving to the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands.
He exclaimed "Wow these mugs are big!”
The bartender replied "Everything is big in Texas."
A little later the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was.
The bartender replied, "Second door to the right.”
The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped and entered the third door.
This door lead to the swimming pool and he fell in by accident.
Scared to death, he started shouting "Don't flush, don't flush!"
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I don’t get no respect. I joined Gamblers Anonymous. They gave me two to one I don’t make it.
-Rodney Dangerfield
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In Beverly Hills now, when you pull into the gas station there are two guys in the booth. The attendant, and the loan officer.
-Jay Leno
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My gas station had a sign that read, “Please pay with your smallest bill.” So I gave them the white dollar bill from my Monopoly set. The cops caught up with me a couple blocks later, but I was in luck. I also had the “Get out of Jail Free” card.
-Kate Zannoni
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I saw a sign at a gas station. It said, “Help Wanted.” There was another sign below it that said, “Self Service.” So I hired myself, then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
-Steven Wright
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As women, as lesbians and gay men, we are denied certain very basic human rights. The last time most people in this society cared about my rights, I was a fetus. And the next time they’ll care about my rights, is when I die and come back as a whale.
-Sarah Citron
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I thank God for creating gay men. Because if it wasn’t for them, us fat women would have no one to dance With.
-Roseanne
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If homosexuality is a disease, let’s all call in queer to Work “Hello, can’t work today. Still queer.”
-Robin Tyler
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Jerry Falwell thinks that homosexuals are out to recruit guys, to lead them into dangerous and life-threatening situations. That’s the army, Jerry! Homosexuality, you gotta audition. And it’s grueling! All those lines from old movies, the antiques, the fabrics. And, of course, you’ve gotta do the whole thing while dancing. Then there’s the physical.
-Atom
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I read in the newspaper that a big earthen dyke crumbled in Utah. Don’t laugh, I knew her.
-Karen Ripley
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Gays are not allowed to march in the St. Patrick’s Day parade, but someone from the Irish Republican Army did. Now I ask you, who is more dangerous? A group who has been known to blow up buses, or people who know all the lyrics to Stephen Sondheim musicals?
-Joy Behar
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I was in Alaska. I was there for two days and six nights. It was so cold, I saw a dog wearing a cat.
-Wendy Liebman
