A man goes out with his friends for the night.
Before he leaves he tells his wife, "I promise I will be home by midnight."
Midnight comes and goes. He finally arrives home at about 3 AM. As he walks in he realizes the cuckoo clock is about to go off.
As it begins to go off he has a flash of genius and decides to coo another 9 times.
He sneaks in to bed satisfied with himself.
The next morning he wakes up and his wife has breakfast made.
She doesn't seem to be mad. Satisfied with himself he asks her, "You sleep okay last night?"
She replies, "Yeah, but we need a cuckoo clock."
He asks her why and she tells him, "Last night it cooed 3 times. Then it yelled, 'Crap!' It cooed another 6 times and giggled a little bit. Finally it cooed 3 more times, farted, and tripped on the carpet."
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I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
-Steven Wright
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The purpose of a funeral service is to comfort the living. It is important at a funeral to display excessive grief. This will show others how kindhearted and loving you are, and their improved opinion of you will be very comforting.
-P. J. O’Rourke
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The guy who invented the hokey-pokey just died. It was a weird funeral. First, they put his left leg in . . .
-Irv Gilman
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With my wife I don’t get no respect at all. I told her when I die, I want to be cremated. She’s planning a barbecue.
-Rodney Dangerfield
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They’re obsessed with fur in San Francisco - “I’m going to step over this disgusting homeless person, to pet this cute little kitty. ”
-Greg Proops
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For our anniversary, I got my wife one of those fur coat kits. A Velcro coat with a hundred gerbils.
-Tom Arnold
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We hate the idea of killing baby seals and foxes and minks, but there’d be no problem if someone showed up in a nice full-length rat coat. Or a double-breasted weasel jacket. It’s the same way we treat each other. Penalize the unattractive, idolize the cute.
-Paul Riser
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I don’t have any furniture in my apartment yet, but my grandmother said she’ll give me some of hers. So now my apartment is going to look like the set of Pirates of Penzance.
-Brock Cohen
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My grandfather had a special rocking chair built that would lean forward rather than backward, so that he could fake interest in any conversation.
-Steven Wright
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I just bought a leather couch. They should tell you that when it’s warm and you sit on a leather couch in your underwear, when you stand up the whole couch comes with you.
-Rondell Sheridan
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My mother had plastic slipcovers on the couch. When I was six years old, I put a ham sandwich in it. When I found it last week, it was still fresh.
-Danny McWilliams
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I’ll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, Walk right into the propeller.
-Henny Youngman
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In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
-Steven Wright
