A cowboy strolls into town on his horse fireball and goes straight to the saloon.
He drinks straight whiskey for a few hours, never moving except to take another drink.
When he's done he gets up and walks out of the saloon.
He immediately runs back in and yells, "Alright! Who took fireball?" But nobody makes a noise.
He continues, "Okay, I'm gonna give y'all to the count of three then we're gonna have a repeat of what happened back in '71."
"ONE!" He pauses and nobody moves a muscle.
"TWO!" Everybody braces for impending doom.
"Here it comes... THR..."
He is interrupted by a man in the saloon, "Wait! It was just a joke mister. Your horse is right out back... By the way, what'd you do in '71?"
The cowboy looks him dead in the eye and says, "I had to walk home."
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
-Emo Philips
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Matzo is a Hebrew word meaning “flour baked with Elmer’s glue.”
-Norman K.
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Why is McDonald’s still counting? What is their ultimate goal? To have cows surrendering voluntarily? “We see the sign, we realize we have very little chance out there. We’d like to be a Happy Meal, if at all possible.”
-Jerry Seinfeld
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I’m eating microwave dinners like crazy. How much salt is in them? My blood pressure is one thousand over ninety. I’ve got deer following me around.
-Evan Davis
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I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick, not wounded, dead.
-Woody Allen
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If l dine out I want outrageously obscene amounts of food, and upscale restaurants rarely provide this. The quantities I’m referring to are best found on a supermarket shelf, taken home, and ingested quickly and shamefully, like the good Lord and the media intended.
-Janeane Garofalo
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I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it
-Steven Wright
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I can’t believe how many different kinds of soda there are now. I ordered one caffeine free, low sodium, no artificial flavor, and got a glass of water.
-Robert Murray
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Most turkeys taste better the day after. My mother’s tasted better the day before.
-Rita Rudner
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He’s the kind of friend who will always be there when he needs you.
-Adam Christing
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My best friend ran away with my wife. And let me tell you, I really miss him.
-Henny Youngman
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Some people think my friend George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears. I think George is weird because he has false teeth, with braces on them.
-Steven Wright
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She’s my best friend. She thinks I’m too thin, and I think she’s a natural blond.
-Carrie Snow
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You got friends, then you’ve got your best friend. Big difference. To me, a friend’s a guy who will help you move. A best friend’s a guy who will help you move-a body. That’s how I look at it.
-Dave Attell
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When I was a girl I only had two friends, and they were imaginary. And they would only play with each other.
-Rita Rudner
