Two Jewish mothers are talking and one says, "I have some unsavory news. I sent my son to Israel to become a more faithful Jew, but he became Christian!"
The other mother replies, "Funny story! I sent my son there for the same reason, and he became a Christian as well!"
The two women, worried about their sons, went to their Rabbi for advice. When they tell him about the situation he says, "Funny story! Ten years back I sent my son to Israel for that very reason when he was studying to be a Rabbi, and he became a priest instead!"
They all decide it would be best if they prayed for guidance. After several minutes of prayer God addresses them, "What is wrong my children?."
They explain that all three of their children went to Israel to become better Jews but converted to Christianity instead. God replies, "Funny story!"
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I love my dad because even though he has Alzheimer’s, he still remembers the important things. He can’t remember my name, but last week he told me exactly how much money I owe him.
-Thyra Lee-Smith
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My dad died in 1990 and I’ve had the same dream every night since. I die and go down a tunnel of light, to a room filled with light. My dad walks in and says, “Joe! Did you leave all these lights on?”
-Joe Ditzel
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I bought Odor-Eaters. They ate for half an hour, and then threw up.
-Howie Mandel
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I got into a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”
-Emo Philips
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We had fire drills in my house, so that in case of a fire we each had a special duty. My father had to get the pets, my mother grabbed the jewelry, my brother ran out to get help. They told me to save the washer and dryer.
-Ellen Degeneres
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I’ve been fired a few times in my life. And that’s fine. In a lot of cases, it’s only a little worse than getting hired.
-Laura Kighylinger
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I was actually fired as a Denny’s dishwasher. They didn’t even know how to fire me, they had never done it in the history of Denny’s. They just sent me out to take out the garbage, and locked the door behind me. I’m like, “Let me in.” And they’re like, “Go to Wendy’s!”
-Mitch Fatel
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I used to work at the unemployment office. I hated that job because when they fired me, I still had to show up at work the next day.
-Wally Wang
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I used to go fishing until one day it struck me: you can buy fish. What the hell am I doing in a boat at 4:30 in the morning? If I want a hamburger, I don’t track cattle down.
-Kenny Rogerson
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There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
-Steven Wright
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I finally figured out this flirting thing. My best friend is legally blind. She walks into a room and looks around trying to focus. Looks away, for some recognizable reference point. Looks back, squints, you know, that sexy look guys love? Then flutters her eyelashes in frustration, and guys drop to the floor in worship. Thing is, she doesn’t know it, can’t see. She leaves. Guys think she’s stuck up, and there I am. It’s good to befriend the handicapped.
-Johnnye Jones Gibson
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The major airlines have unveiled long-promised plans to improve customer satisfaction. United plans to purchase more luggage scanners, Delta plans to install a toll-free number for complaints, and USAir says they’re going to try extra hard not to crash so much.
-Craig Kilborn
