A Nobel Prize winning mathematician is traveling from university to university on a speaking tour by limousine.
After several engagements the mathematician and his driver are having dinner and the driver says "I've heard your speech so many times I think I could give it word-for-word.”
The mathematician accepts the challenge and they switch places for the next speech.
The driver dresses like the professor and the professor dresses as the driver and sits in the back of the auditorium.
The driver gives the speech flawlessly and opens up the floor for question, usually there are none.
But one of the students at the university has a very large ego and decides to attempt to stump the Nobel Prize winner.
After the student asks his question, for ten straight minutes the driver laughs and says "That question is so simple I'll let my driver in the back answer it."
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You know you’re fat when you can pinch an inch on your forehead.
-John Mendoza
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The National Association for Fat Acceptance had a conference in Boston. They said they wanted to be recognized for who they are, and be accepted by everyone, but they draw the line at singing “We Are the World.”
-Bill Maher
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Last Year my father adopted one of those Save the Children, and now he compares me to his adopted child. “Why can’t you be like your sister Kee Kee? Kee Kee dug an irrigation ditch for a whole village. What the hell are you doing with your life?”
-Corey Kahane
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
-Rodney Dangerfield
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My dad is one of those Mr. Fix-it guys. Eight o’clock Sunday morning he’d be locked down in the basement with the power tools. Mmmroaroor roaroon “Dad, what are you doing down there?’ “Making breakfast.” My sister got married, we had to lead him into the church with a broken toaster.
-Mike Rowe
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My dad went back to college and we’re all so proud of him. Except when he comes home from a keg party and pees out the window.
-Brian Kiley
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Dad was a kidder. Whenever I misbehaved, he’d bury me in the backyard. Only up to my waist, but you get dizzy with all the blood rushing to your head,
-Emo Philips
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I want a guy just like my dad, who orders dentures through the mail, and takes great pride in the fact that his eyebrows meet.
-Judy Tenuta
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A My father is like me, he needs glasses to see, but he never wears them. He said, “Son, I’m watching the Miss America Pageant, they have eight-hundred numbers just in case you want to ask one of those fine girls on a date.” I said, “Dad, you’re watching America’s Most Wanted.”
-Robert Murray
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You know that saying, “Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will eat for life”? Here’s what my mother used to say about my father, “Give that man ten dollars and he will drink for a day. Give that man a job, and he will hate you for life.”
-Jim Rez
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All fathers are intimidating, because they’re fathers. Once a man has children, his attitude is, “To hell with the World, I can make my own people. I’ll eat whenever I want, I’ll wear whatever I want, and I’ll create whoever I want.”
-Jerry Seinfeld
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My father’s mind is going. He called me and said, “When I get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, I don’t have to turn on the light. It goes on automatically when I start, and goes off when I stop.” I said, “Dad, you’re peeing in the fridge.”
-Jonathan Katz
