A man and his blonde wife are sitting inside, by the fire, when the radio announcer comes on: "We are expecting up to a foot of snow tonight, please make sure you are parked on the even-numbered side of the road.”
The wife goes out and moves her car.
The next day the same thing happens, and the announcer comes on: "We are expecting up to a foot of snow tonight, please make sure you are parked on the odd-numbered side of the road.”
The wife goes out and moves her car.
A few days later the same thing happens and the announcer comes on: "We are expecting up to two feet of snow tonight, please make sure you are parked on the-" but the power goes out in the middle of the announcement.
The blonde freaks out, "Which side do I put my car on?!"
Her husband tenderly confronts her saying, "How about we just leave the car in the garage this time?"
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I’m a godmother. That’s a great thing, to be a godmother. She calls me God for short; that’s cute. I taught her that.
-Ellen Degeneres
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My mother is Mormon and my father is Muslim. I’ve got polygamy on both sides. My mother’s great-grandfather had three wives, my father’s great-grandfather had four. My family tree is like a diagram of the heart: all lines come from one organ.
-Natasha Ahanin
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Family vacation. Some vacation sitting in the backseat of a ’72 Ford Country Squire station wagon, with a flatulent sheepdog and my brother chanting, “I know you are, but what am I?” I know if you don’t leave me alone you’re going to be bludgeoned to death in your sleeping bag, Which, by the Way, is flammable.
-Joel Warshaw
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I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house and she said, “Get the hell off my property.”
-Joan Rivers
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Older jewish relatives can get away with murder. If they forget the name of something, they can make up a word that sounds like Yiddish. “Darling, pass me the . . . huucchk. No, that’s the smekzlinbacht.”
-Billy Crystal
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After watching the Kevorkian trial I asked my father, “Do you think family should have the right to withdraw life support on a loved one?” He said, “It depends on which kid.”
-Hugh Fink
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I base my fashion taste on what doesn’t itch.
-Gilda Radner
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The suit is the universal business outfit for men. I don’t know why it projects this image of power. “We’d better do what this guy says, his pants match his jacket!”
-Jerry Seinfeld
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If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them.
-Sue Grafton
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Put heterosexual men in charge of fashion. Ladies you’ll never need to read Vogue magazine again. Here’s the only outfit you’ll need. miniskirt, high heels, bare midriff. Evening wear? Fishnet stockings and French-cut panties. trust me, darlings, you’ll be fabulous.
-Dennis Miller
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There are weird rules for girls, we get all the uncomfortable crap. We get all the S and M clothes, like the high heels that make us easier to hunt.
-Sue Murphy
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Americans are too damn fat. At one time I weighed 360 pounds, because I’m a practical guy. When you can buy two Big Macs for two bucks, it becomes cost efficient to be a fat bastard.
-Jom Wyatt
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You thin people invite us over and say, “Come on in, sit on this concrete sofa. Or try our new steel-reinforced chair. ” I always head straight for the wicker.
-Louie Anderson
