There was an English man, and Irish man and a German man on a plane.
The plane is having trouble staying in the air. The captain decides to buy time, they need to lighten the load. So the captain comes up to the English man and says: “You need to throw an item out the door.”
He chooses a stone. There is still too much weight, so he parachutes out.
When he lands, a man is crying. He asks the man what’s wrong. The man says: “Well, I was out here polishing my car, and a stone fell out of the sky and cracked the window.”
Back up on the plane, the Irish man throws a knife out. He too, has to parachute out.
He lands near a woman who is very upset. The woman tells him: “ I was in my garden and a knife fell out of nowhere, and sliced my prize melon in half.”
Back up on the plane, the German drops an item. He drops a bomb. He too parachutes to the ground, but to the sound of a man laughing historically.
He asks: “What’s so funny?”
The man says: “I was out in the street picking up trash, and when I bent over I farted, and the neighbors house blew up!”
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My wife and I start each morning with the genuine intention of exercising. But in a dazzling display of mutual support, We’ve learned to talk ourselves right out of it. “I don’t feel like working out, you don’t feel like working out. Let’s just skip it.” “We’ll just look the way we do. And if anybody asks-we ran.”
-Paul Reiser
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I go running when I have to. When the ice cream truck is doing sixty.
-Wendy Liebman
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I get my exercise at the supermarket. First I try to wrestle the plastic bags open. Then I give up, and roll my fruits and vegetables down the conveyor belt one at a time. It’s my kind of bowling.
-Fran Chernowsky
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A new study says that one of the advantages of the treadmill is that it’s the highest calorie burner of the exercises. And the other advantage is that hamsters can now laugh at us.
-Johnny Robish
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I like long walks. Especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
-Fred Allen
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I tried yoga because I heard you get to do your exercise laying down, so I signed right up for that.
-Corey Kahane
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I took an aggression training course. The Basic Bitch Workout. I’m certified. I give new meaning to that time of the month. I no longer just get cramps; now I can give them.
-S. Rachel Lovey
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Your family is a pack of idiots you have to love. We exist on earth to love each other, and our family is the test.
-Jeff Foxworthy
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Blood may be thicker than water, but it is still sticky, unpleasant, and generally nauseating.
-Janeane Garofalo
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I Went home for the holidays, and all the men in my family are bald, and all the women are fat. It’s like a Metallica concert going on in my own home.
-Dave Attell
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In my family, where back-biting and rejection run rampant, having a happy childhood was as likely as Jeffrey Dahmer being the food critic for the New York Times.
-Gloria Brinkworth
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When I was young I used to think my people didn’t like me. Because they used to send me to the store for bread, and then they’d move.
-Richard Pryor
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Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
-George Burns
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
-Rodney Dangerfield
