A blonde and a lawyer are sitting next to each other on a plane.
The lawyer asks the blonde if she wants to play a game, "All you have to do is ask a question and if i get it wrong or don't know it i give you five dollars, then i ask you a question and if you get it wrong you pay me five dollars."
"No," she says, "I just want to sleep."
He keeps asking and she finally gives in when he says if he gets it wrong he will pay her five hundred dollars, but she still only has to pay five dollars.
"What is the distance from the earth to the moon?" he asks.
She gives him 5 dollars. "What goes up the hill with four legs and comes down with five?" she asks.
He pulls out his laptop and searches it, but finds nothing.
Then he emails his friends. After an hour, he still hasn't got an answer, he hands her 500 dollars.
Then he asks her, "So what is the answer?"
She hands him 5 dollars.
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This country has declared war on drugs to help protect the economy. Because if too many people get addicted to crack, there won’t be enough of us left to be hooked on cigarettes and alcohol.
-Wally Wang
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According to a new survey 60% of adults say they’re aware of someone who’s gone to work under the influence of drugs. Apparently the other 40% have never heard of the Dallas Cowboys.
-Conan O’Brien
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A recent government study reported that 8 percent of full-time employees are on drugs at work. I think this study is flawed. The figure is too low. Because that 8 percent are only the people so stoned they answered yes to the question.
-Bill Maher
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For those of you easterners, an earthquake may not be easy to visualize. Have you ever seen a range of mountains doing the Funky Chicken? My zip code changed three times and I was still in bed.
-Bob Hope
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I know if I was in a big earthquake, I’d be the dude trapped in his car under a bridge. My luck, I’d have my radio dial stuck on the easy listening station. “Cut faster, here comes a block of ABBA!”
-Tom Rhodes
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I’m not keeping canned goods in my apartment for an earthquake. If I get trapped beneath a beam for three days, at least I’ll lose some weight.
-Paula Poundstone
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Anorexia is just another Word for nothing left to lose.
-Joy Bahar
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I have the opposite of anorexia, I think I’m thin. I’m in a support group. We all sit around in skin-tight clothing going, “Is this too baggy to wear?”
-Caroline Rhea
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You’ve got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in the 7-Eleven, okay?
-Dennis Miller
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I used to live in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.
-Steven Wright
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Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn’t go far didn’t see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.
-Tim Allen
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You ever go to a big party, go in the bathroom, flush the toilet, and the water starts coming up? This is the most frightening moment in the life of a human being.
-Jerry Seinfeld
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I filled out an application that said, “In case of emergency notify . . .” I wrote, “Doctor.” What’s my mother going to do?
-Steven Wright
