The Pope arrives in New York and gets in his Limo. While driving the Pope asks his driver, "May I drive?"
The driver can't refuse since he's the Pope and all, so the pope hops into the driver seat and the driver into the back.
It's been a very long time since the Pope has driven himself so he is a terrible driver.
He swerves in and out of traffic and eventually gets pulled over.
The police officer that pulled him over approaches the driver but immediately goes back to his cruiser.
He tells his partner, "There is an extremely important person in the limo."
His partner asks, "Is it the mayor?"
The cop replies, "Bigger!"
His partner asks, "Is it the governor?"
Again the cop says, "Bigger!"
His partner replies, "It couldn't be the president?!"
The cop says, "I don't know. But whoever it is has the darn Pope driving him around!"
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You ever notice the word engaged has the word gag in the middle of it? Just something to think about, ladies.
-Rosie O’Donnell
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In New York we have medical waste wash up onshore. Twenty years ago I had my appendix removed; I found it at Jones Beach. Thank God I didn’t have a sex change.
-Danny McWilliams
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New images from NASA show that the hole in the ozone is once again emerging over Antarctica. The South Pole Tourist Bureau says it hopes to capitalize on this latest news by changing its slogan from “Antarctica: Frozen Hellhole” to the new, catchier “Antarctica: Gateway to Melanoma.”
-Craig Kilborn
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My father is from Ireland, and he’s got a thick brogue. When I was a kid my friends would make fun of him, but he never knew it. They’d call, and when he’d answer the phone they’d say, “Rosie was after me Lucky Charms. The frosted-oat cereal with sweet surprises.” He’d write it all down. “Jackie said, ‘Manly, yes. But I like it, too!”’
-Rosie O’Donnell
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I’m French, and I agree with you, the French are rude. But they know how to kiss. If it wasn’t for the French, you would still wonder, “What the hell am I supposed to do with my tongue?”
-Jim Rez
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You know who make the best boyfriends? Latin men. But, oh my goodness, I had no idea that Latin men were so noisy in bed. I didn’t even know that there were that many saints.
-Caroline Rhea
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Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.
-Steve Martin
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I married a German. Every night I dress up as Poland and he invades me.
-Bette Midler
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Homo sapiens did not labor to walk upright, only to damage their spines in step class.
-Janeane Garofalo
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The word aerobics comes from two Greek Words: aero, meaning “ability to,” and bias, meaning “withstand tremendous boredom.”
-Dave Barry
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I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady, take your purse!”
-Emo Philips
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I’m so tired of exercising. I think five thousand sit-ups should be pretty much permanent. You should be at home, you’re on your last and final jumping jack, and you get that phone call, “Congratulations! You have completed the exercise portion of your life. Welcome to the incessant eating section.”
-Jann Karam
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I’m not working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
-Carol Leifer
