Two men are walking their dogs by a restaurant and one of them says, "That smells amazing! Let’s get something."
The other man replies, "But they don't let dogs in, what are we going to do with them."
The first man puts on a pair of sunglasses and has his friend do the same and says, "Follow my lead."
He starts to walk into the restaurant and the waiter stops him, "You cannot bring dogs in here sir."
The man gets offended, "Excuse me sir! This is my seeing eye dog, I am blind."
The waiter questions this, "But your dog is a pit bull?"
The man replies, "I know, I am a very important person, I need protection as well."
The first man passes through and the second man begins to walk through when the waiter stops him and asks him the same question. The man replies, "This is my seeing eye dog too."
The waiter replies, "Really? A chihuahua?"
The man freaks out, "What?! They gave me a chihuahua?!"
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I hate freeway jockeys. They whip in and out of traffic at ninety miles per hour, trying to kill themselves and everyone else in their path, mad because God gave them a teeny-weeny toolbox to play with. So I shorten their misery by yelling out the Window, “Get an implant! And leave the driving to us.”
-Gloria Brinkworth
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I’ve become so vain. I went through one of those traffic lights that take a picture when you go through a red light. I hated the picture, so I went through the light again. By the third time, I was pretty confident in front of the camera.
-Le Maire
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I have my learner’s permit, which means that I can drive with my parents in the car. Woohoo, I’m living on the edge But driving with my parents isn’t the wild ride you would think, oh no. It’s actually very awkward, especially on dates. Because we’re in the car at a drive-in, things start getting a little hot in the backseat, and finally I just have to turn around and say, “Mom, Dad-will you cut it out! We’re trying to watch the movie up here!”
-Dominic Dierkes
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Whenever I pick up a hitchhiker I say, “Put your seat belt on, I want to try something I saw in a cartoon.”
-Steven Wright
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I’m from Milwaukee, the only city in America where they put your bowling average on your driver’s license. A cop will pull you over and ask how fast you were going, until he sees your license. “Two twenty-six? Hey, be more careful next time.”
-Dobie Maxwell
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Being on a Los Angeles freeway is a lot like being in a bar. It’s a great place to be if you want to run into a drunk.
-Robert Murray
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Mopeds. It’s like you’re on a hair dryer. Dogs are walking faster than you’re going.
-Eddie Izzard
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The difference between L.A. and New York drivers is that L.A. drivers tend to swerve all over the highway. New York drivers rarely have this problem. The body in the trunk makes a great stabilizer.
-Brock Cohen
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I had to stop driving my car for a while. The tires got dizzy.
-Steven Wright
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When you’re stuck in traffic, you hate everybody. “Oh, look at this idiot. Why doesn’t he just Go? Come on, go go go go GO! If you would just go, there wouldn’t be traffic. That’s why there’s traffic; your failure to go!”
-Paul Riser
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My big fear: driving behind a truck with those big iron rebars. Truck stops, the bar goes right through my forehead. It doesn’t kill me, they can’t remove it--and I have to accessorize it.
-Carrie Snow
