An old man on his death bed has spent his entire life pinching pennies and clinging to all of his money.
Friendless, he is surrounded by his priest, doctor, and lawyer.
Just before he dies he tells them, "I know most people say that you can't bring money with you after you die, but I want you to all throw this into my grave just as they are about to bury me.”
With this being said he hands them all envelopes with $50,000 in them.
After his funeral the three are discussing the money.
The doctor says, "I have to confess something. I've really been wanting a vacation so I only threw $40,000 in."
The priest follows, "I must also confess. We are renovating the church so I only threw in $25,000. I feel terrible."
The lawyer lashes out at them, "You guys are terrible! Not only did I throw in the $50,000 he gave me, but I added my own $10,000."
The doctor replies, "Why in the world would you give that greedy man your money?"
The lawyer replies, "He was a good man so I wrote him a check for the full amount."
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I tell ya, my dog is lazy. He don’t chase cars. He sits on the curb and takes down license plate numbers.
-Rodney Dangerfield
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Last year for my birthday I was given a puppy. It’s half poodle, and half pit bull. Not a good attack dog, but a vicious gossip.
-Bob Smith
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It’s always the little dogs you see wearing sweaters. My neighbor’s dog has a sweater, but he wears it just wrapped around his shoulders.
-Ellen DeGeneres
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Forget watchdogs. We have two big, friendly dogs, And Senta, who weighs in at 130 pounds, is also deathly afraid of . . . balloons. So we’re really in trouble if a clown ever breaks in.
-Daryl Hogue
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My mother gave my grandmother a Yorkshire terrier with this affliction, it shakes and shakes. Maybe someone told him to shake once and didn’t say when to stop. He’s like a shoe buffer. You can put your foot down there, and your shoe comes out shiny.
-Garry Schandling
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To teach kids about drinking, many schools now sponsor alcohol awareness programs. Don’t we have something like that already? I believe they’re called colleges.
-Wally Wang
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I drink too much. Last time I gave a urine sample there was an olive in it.
-Rodney Dangerfield
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Ever black out? You’re drinking, you black out. You wake up in another bar. You’re drinking, you black out. You wake up playing that knife game with an Indian, somewhere in South Dakota. You’re drinking, you black gut you wake up, you’re in White Castle, working three years,
still not assistant manager.
-Dave Attell
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My dad was the town drunk. A lot of times that’s not so bad, but New York City?
-Henny Youngman
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The American Medical Association announced that a drink a day is good for you. And I’m proud to announce that my father has covered my family for the next thirty-six generations. Some people are covered by Blue Cross, we’re covered by Pabst Blue Ribbon.
-Greg Fitzsimmons
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I am the worst driver. Let’s just say I always wear clean underwear. I should drive a hearse and cut out the middleman.
-Wendy Liebman
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Driving on the highway is like hand-washing my delicate clothes. It’s a big hassle, it takes longer than I expect, and I end up with my panties in a wad.
-Lesley Wake
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The problem with the designated driver program is it’s not a desirable job. But if you ever get suckered into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
-Jeff Foxworthy
