A woman goes to the veterinarian with her pig that appears to be sleeping.
The woman waits as the vet inspects the pig.
Then the vet comes out and tells the woman, "I'm sorry... But your pig is dead."
The woman, shocked, yells at the vet, "Are you serious?! Did you run tests? He could just be in a coma or something."
The vet sighs and heads back to her office with the woman.
The vet leaves the room and returns with a dog. The dog approaches the pig and slowly sniffs him from head to toe. He looks up at the woman with sad eyes and walks out.
The vet leaves and returns with a cat. The cat approaches the pig and stares at him for a solid 5 minutes. It then meows loudly and slowly exits the room.
The vet tells the woman, "See, your pig has definitely passed on.”
The vet walks to the register and hands the woman a bill for $300.
The woman is again outraged, "$300 just so you could tell me my little piggy died?"
The vet replies, "It was only $40 until you made me get a Lab Report and a Cat Scan."
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When it comes to divorce, absence may not make the heart grow fonder, but it sure cuts down on the gunplay.
-Eileen Courtney
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My parents celebrated their forty-third wedding anniversary, so my mother don’t want to hear me talking about divorce. “You gotta learn how to work these things out. Your father and I had a shoot-out, he took one in the arm. He was wrong, I shot him. You move on.”
-Wanda Sykes-Hall
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I’m a divorced, single mother. That’s like God saying to you, “Thank you for playing the Marriage Game. Sorry you didn’t win, but we have this lovely parting gift for you.”
-Corey Kahane
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When I was a teenager, I asked my mother, “Mom, are you and Dad getting a divorce? “No, Im just drying your father’s clothes.” But Dad was still in them.
-Robert Murray
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I try too hard to be politically correct. Whenever I fill out an application for a credit card, under marital status, Write “pre-owned.”
-Fran Chernowsky
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It takes so damn long to see a doctor, I think my HMO’s trying to kill me. I called to get a strange mole checked out, but the first available appointment was six months. I said, “By then I could be dead.” And the receptionist replied, “If that happens, be sure to cancel your appointment.
-Stephanie Schiern
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I hate the waiting room, so sometimes I start screwing around with the stuff. Take all the tongue depressors out, lick them, put them back. Two can play at this waiting game.
-Jerry Seinfeld
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All doctors are crooks. Why do you think when a doctor writes out a prescription, only he and the druggist can read it? Because they all say the same thing, “I got my money, you get yours.”
-Jackie Mason
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I’ve got a wonderful doctor. If you can’t afford the operation, he touches up the X-rays.
-Henny Youngman
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My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can’t decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
-Rita Rudner
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I once had a dog who really believed he was man’s best friend. He kept borrowing money from me.
-Gene Perret
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Dogs hate it when you blow in their face. I’ll tell you who really hates that, my grandmother. Which is odd, because when we’re driving she loves to hang her head out the window.
-Ellen DeGeneres
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My parents’ dog is an idiot. When I swim in their pool, Brandy runs along the edge, barking at me. Mom says, “She thinks you’re drowning. She’s just like Lassie.” No, Lassie would jump in and try to save me. If I fell down a well Brandy would sit on the edge and wonder, “Any cookies down there?”
-Stephanie Schiern
