A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."
The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."
The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "And here's another miracle. Somehow this bottle of scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this scotch and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and drinks about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police... I'll let them decide who's fault it is."
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I don’t get no respect. A girl phoned me and said, “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
-Rodney Dangerfield
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A man on a date wonders if he’ll get lucky. The woman knows.
-Monica Piper
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Instead of going to bars, I just download my favorite cyber-guy, and click on User Support.
-Sue Bova
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I’m dating a guy now, he’s on TV. You might know him, he’s on America’s Most Wanted. He looks better than that sketch. But I’m telling your right now, Whenever he gets out of line, I go, “Hey, I’ve got the 1-800 number, buddy.”
-Rosie O’Donnell
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I’m back-dating my target group to older men. My girlfriends are always asking about my dates, “Is he cute?” I’ll just settle for a healthy prostate.
-Maura Kennedy
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I’m dating again, but it’s got me confused. So I’ve been reading up on the differences between men and Women. I read The Rules, the Mars and Venus books, Dating for Dummies. And here’s the real difference-women buy the books.
-Daryl Hogue
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My daughter looks just like the cable man. But we get free HBO, so to hell with it.
-Bob Saget
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I have adapted the philosophy of Genghis Khan, “Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day; teach a man to fish and he eats for a lifetime,” for my slogan: “Show a teenage boy a gun, and he’ll have your daughter home before 11:30 P.M.”
-Sindad
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Death should not be seen as the end, but as a very effective way to cut down expenses.
-Woody Allen
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When I die, I’m going to leave my body to science fiction.
-Steven Wright
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I tell ya, I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetery plot’ The guy said, “There goes the neighborhood!”
-Rodney Dangerfield
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They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize I’m going to miss mine by just a few days. '
-Garrison Keillor
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Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective.
-P. J. O’Rourke
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For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.
-Johnny Carson
