A very wealthy lawyer in a small town is notorious for never giving money to any charity that comes his way.
The local animal shelter knows he has a dog and they think that this could be their way into his wallet.
They go to his door and he answers, "What do you want?"
One of the ladies replies, "Hello Mr. Smith. We know you are very wealthy and we know you also never give to charity. Wouldn't you enjoy giving back to an organization that helps dogs much like your own?"
The lawyer looks her dead in the eye and replies, "Do you also know that both of my parents are suffering life-threatening illnesses and have medical bills several times their own income?"
The lady, taken back, replies, "Well.. No... I thought..."
He interrupts her, "Did you also know my sister's husband left her and their two kids without a penny?"
Still stuttering she replies, "Um... Oh my...."
"And my brother lost his legs in the war," The lawyer continues.
At this point the people from the shelter are dumbstruck and aren't saying a word.
Then he finishes, "If they don't get a cent, do you expect to?"
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Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It’s the other two percent that get all the publicity. But then we elected them.
-Lily Tomlin
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In Germany, police are searching for a woman who holds men at gunpoint and forces them to have sex with her. Actually the gun isn’t for the sex, it’s to keep the guy around later to make him cuddle.
-Jay Leno
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What the hell is wrong with these white kids shooting up the schools? Soon you’re gonna have little white kids saying, “I Want to go to a black school, where it’s safe.”
-Chris Rock
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The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up.
-Jay Leno
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My wife and I went on a three-day cruise. Actually, it was more like a three-day meal. They tell you to bring just one out- fit, but in three different sizes: large, extra-large, and blimp.
-Robert G. Lee
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My friend would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
-Steven Wright
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Why do we fix people up? You thought they’d have a good time, and it’s a little power trip for you, isn’t it? Now you’re playing God. And of course, he was the first to fix people up, God fixed up Adam and Eve. “She’s nice. She’s very free about her body, doesn’t wear much. She was going out with a snake, but I think that’s over.”
-Jerry Seinfeld
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If you got fixed up on a blind date by your very best friend, wouldn’t you think that within the top ten descriptive adjectives, lazy eye would he mentioned? We went out for a while, but I found out he was seeing someone on the side.
-Caroline Rhea
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I like to date short guys, because we women love anything we can throw into our purse. “Let’s see, keys, lipstick—oh, I forgot I was dating you, and you’ve eaten all my Altoids.”
-Le Maire
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Dating is a lot like sports. You have to practice, you work out, You study the greats. You hope to make the team, and it hurts to be cut.
-Sinbad
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Let’s begin by discussing dinner dates. This concept of traditional courting bothers me. I don’t want food interrupting my two grueling days of predate starvation.
-Janeane Garofalo
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My favorite thing to do on a date is go to dinner. Or should I say, have somebody else pay for my food.
-Rebecca Nell
