At school, when little Johny sees little Suzy he asks her if she'll climb the flag pole. When she tells him "No", he offers her $1 to climb it. She says “Yes".
That night she tells her mother how she made $1 today by climbing the flag pole for little Johny.
Her mother tells her not to do it again because all little Johny wants to do is see her underwear.
Next day same thing happens. But when little Johny asks her to climb it for $1 and she says "No", he offers her $2 and she says “Yes".
Again, she tells her mother this time how she made $2 climbing the flag pole. Her mother yells at her and tells her not to do it again because all little Johny wants to do is see her underwear.
Next day same thing happens. But when little Johny offers her $1 to climb it and she says "No", he offers her $2 again but she still says "No". This time he offers her $5 and she says “Yes".
Again, she tells her mother this time how she made $5 climbing the flag pole. "That's it!" Her mother yells at her and tells her and now she's in big trouble.
She says, "wait, mommy this time I tricked him". Her mother asks her how and she tells her this time she didn't wear any underwear!
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I wear so much makeup you could stick a finger on my face and write “Wash Me.” I know my makeup looks good when I can put a dipstick in it and get a reading.
-Le Maire
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I Put on fake nails once, those surfboard Satan nails from hell. But I couldn’t do anything, they’re useless! The only thing they’re good for is starting an orange. Or while you’re choking … tracheotomy!
-Sue Murphy
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Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color but to accept God’s final word on Where your lips end.
-Jerry Seinfeld
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Don’t fiddle with women’s stuff when they’re not around. “What happened to my eyeliner pencil?” “Ohhhh. The phone rang, I couldn’t find anything else to write with. It’s just a pencil, I’ll go replace it.” Thirty-eight bucks, and a decent command of the French language later . . .
-Tim Allen
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The judge asked, “What do you plead?” I said, “Insanity, Your Honor. Who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?”
-Steven Wright
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I hate when they call up to check if your credit card is good. I always feel like they’re talking about me. “You won’t believe what he’s buying now!”
-Jerry Seinfeld
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A seventeen-year-old Amish boy was arrested outside Cleveland for driving his horse and buggy while under the influence of alcohol. Police said they suspected he was drunk when they witnessed him stop at a filling station and stick a gasoline nozzle in his horse’s ass. If convicted, the boy could face twenty-five years of hard labor. However, if found innocent, he could face twenty-five years of hard labor.
-Craig Kilborn
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The Bank of New York is in trouble because they were laundering money from the Russian mob. They ran as much as ten billion dollars through a single account. And they still didn’t qualify for the free checking.
-Bill Maher
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I have respect for gangs today. None. They just drive by and shoot people. At least in the old days like in West Side Story, the gangs used to dance with each other first.
-Robert G. Lee
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It’s a shame so many people are killing each other these days. It used to be if you wanted to shoot at a total stranger, you had to wait until deer hunting season.
-Wally Wang
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An escaped murderer who had been loose three weeks recently gave himself up. He couldn’t cope with the modern conveniences of life that weren’t around when he went to jail twenty years ago. He couldn’t deal with the ATMs, he couldn’t get gas from a self-service pump, and when he Went into the Gap, all the clothes looked like his prison uniform.
-Bill Mahar
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O.J. Simpson was the victim of an attempted robbery. When the police asked him what kind of gun the assailant had, O.J. said, “Don’t ask me, I’m a knife man.”
-Jay Leno
