1. You can't wash yours eyes with soap. 2. You can't count your hair. 3. You can't breath through your nose with your tongue out. 4. You just tried # 3. 6. When you did 3 you realized it was possible, but you looked like a dog when you did it. 7. You're smiling right now because you were fooled. 8. You skipped # 5. 9. You just checked to see if there was a 5. Add a comment if I got you!
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Doctors are crooks. Why do you think they wear gloves? Not for sanitary reasons… fingerprints.
-Jackie Mason
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Be suspicious of any doctor who tries to take your temperature with his finger.
-David Letterman
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How come every time you go to the emergency room they got doctors from India there? I don’t want to put my life in the hands of any doctor who believes in reincarnation. Give me a good old-fashioned American doctor who’ll make sure you live to pay that bill.
-Glen Super
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A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here ’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
-Jay Leno
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My friend George walked his dog, all at once. Walked him from Boston to Ft. Lauderdale, and said, “Now you’re done.”
-Steven Wright
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Oh, that dog! All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
-Phyllis Diller
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Dogs lead a nice life. You never see a dog with a wristwatch.
-George Carlin
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Milk Bone dog biscuit commercials showed dogs being ashamed of their bad breath. Those were realistic. I think if my dog was concerned about his breath, he’d stop eating his own vomit.
-Drake Sather
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Clinton’s pet Labrador, Buddy, is getting neutered. The dog will never have sex again. Overnight, they’ve turned Buddy from a Democrat into a Republican.
-Jay Leno
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I have a Dachshund. It curses when it barks. Why? You would too if you were dragging your balls on the sidewalk.
-Billy Connolly
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I have a dog that’s half pit-bull, half poodle. Not much of a guard dog, but a vicious gossip.
-Craig Shoemaker
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I just bought a Chihuahua. It’s the dog for lazy people. You don’t have to walk it. Just hold it out the window and squeeze.
-Anthony Clark
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They have dog food for constipated dogs. If your dog is constipated, why screw up a good thing? Stay indoors and let ’em bloat.
-David Letterman
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I bought a dog for $500 and my friend says, “Give me $500 and I’ll shit on your carpet.”
-Ellen Cleghorne
